Talk by the shore (ooladada)

Torrents of noise cascade around me, the chaos crashing like waves upon the rocks. But I am not a rock. I'm upon the rock.

"Abba? You here?" I cry out into the darkness.

"Yes child, I am here." His voice surrounds me, comforting me like a blanket.

"Think I missed a step."

"I expect it, I wish obedience, not perfection."

I pause, listening to the waves. "What is true?" I ask him.

"I am truth." He replies.

"But in the chaos of what I'm being told, how do I know it's right?" I respond.

"Is it pure? Is it true? Does it build another up? Does it advance my kingdom?"

I sigh, sitting against the rock face behind me, the spray of the waves soaking me to the skin."But, I don't want the chaos."

"You want Serenity, silence, peace, harmony."

"How can I have harmony if I"m not even harmonious with myself?"

"Did I not say the flesh would war with the spirit and the spirit with the flesh? Who will you allow to win?"

"Abba, it's not fair!"

His warmth surrounds me. "I'm on your right side, you will not be moved."

"But what if I move myself?"

"Can you jump? You could, but I'd still be above, and below, and on your left, and upon your right."

I giggle at that. "Yeah... guess it's like swimming... you're still in the water. Just it might be more than you're used to dealing with."

"Kind of like that... it's how you can connect."

"Why do I feel so wrong? What's wrong with me?"

His eyes alight upon me, a gentle smile playing at his lips. "You are fallen. This life is a shadow of what I wish. Destroyed by sin... you too are marred by the sin."

"Can I go home now?"

"No."

I look up into his eyes with tears in my own. "I want something more than this."

"More than what you are now? No, you need to be content. You have so much to learn."

"Why did you allow me to shatter? Why can't I be whole again?"

"There was an infirmity in the metal. Sometimes a blade has to be forged again. And I wish for you to be holy."

"Can't I be normal? Can I not just... fit in? Abba? I am tired of being weird."

"I know child. Come close to me, and I'll give you the desires of your heart."

"Abba? What do I desire? Deep down, what is that I want? What do I really want?"

"What do you want child? You want it easy, you want a life without correction or ridicule. You want to always have exactly what to say, exactly how to say it always at the tip of your tongue. You want to know every man's every thought, and motive laid bare before you. You want to live without friction."

"When you put it like that you make it sound like I want to be you."

"No man can be me. And no man goes through life without stepping on other's toes. But lean on me, and I'll shape you to be a reflection of me."

"In the world, but not of it... Abba, what did you mean by that?"

There is silence. But I can feel him draw closer to me.

"I'm on the outside looking in."

"No, you are a light in the darkness. Some will be attracted like a moth, some will be repulsed. Light is not always loved... and your light has been dimmed because you've not been faithful."

"I miss you."

"I have missed you my beloved one."

"You're my father, and I am your child."

"Yes."

"Abba, why does this feel so flat, I wish for my writing to become more again. I'm rambling, and it's driving me crazy."

"VK... Do you think I care how little, or how great, or how powerful your writing is? Do you think I am incapable of turning this, or anything else for good? You desire to come close to me. That is what I want. I will use your pennies and feed the thousands. CHILD! Come here, and be tended. Draw close and rest. Go out, and do your duty. You go above and beyond for me. I am your master, and I give you your pay. I am all you need. Today, tomorrow, and forever. TRUST ME! Lean on me, embrace me. I am real, I am here... and I will not let you down. All that is good, I will give to you. You work for me. You do not answer to anyone else. And remember, everyone, WILL answer to me how they handled what I gave them."

"I know. Still why me?"

"Because you are willing? Because you listen. And because I am God."

"I should get back to life now... "

"Don't forget to take me with you. I'm a good resource."

I laugh out loud as he sits there smiling down upon me. "Yeah. The best. I'm tired."

"You could try harder. I am watching."

"Thanks, Abba, I needed this."

The waves still crash around me, but it's quieter now. Maybe it's me. As I pull myself back out of the realm and into reality I'm struck by a feeling of loss. But it's only for a second. I feel his presence surround me now it is time to rest.