Turmoil of the Soul

"ABBA!" My heart is almost breaking as I finally slow down enough to sit down and talk. Of course he's here, I had not needed to shout. I never need to shout.

"Yes my child?"

"Is this of you." I bite my lip trying to still the storm of thoughts and emotions that rage through me. "Look, I can't choose. I can't make this choice if I don't know it's of you!"

"My child, oh my child how you torment yourself! What have I said? Tell me, what is it that has burdened your spirit so?"

"Lord, you know all things, you know what it is that is the desire of my heart... you also know the fears that plague me."

"Have I not asked for confession?" His eyes are so sincere as he sets himself beside me on the grass. "Speak child."

"I have been given an offer that from all angles I see only blessing and prosperity. I see it as an answer to a mystery hidden to me, and also to be your will. I fear my family. I fear the choice and the parts of it I can't see. I could make it, I could just do it without asking, but... Abba, If it is your will, should I not trust that you've spoken to their hearts as well on this matter?"

"What did I not say to the rich young ruler?" His eyes bore through me. I'm still trying to gather myself after my near panic attack. I still can't beliv-

"Write child."

"You told him to leave his father and mother, sell everything he had and follow you." I'm not looking at him as I say these words.

"Is stuff not you depending on your own understanding? Is it not holding onto the flesh? My child, I have a plan for you even in this."

"Why I've chosen to write My'lord. I need to sort these thoughts, go through what I know. Abba! I need council in this."

"Who are you?"

"I am hope. I am the one who you've set your mark upon. Abba, every moment you've guided. I'm an legal adult, but a failure of a human being-"

"I choose the weak of this world to confound the wise. I chose you. Not just at birth, I chose you when you were not yet a thought upon your parent's minds. Before you sparked a light within your mother I chose you. I guided your parts together and willed you to live. You are the one I lent to your parents. You were not asked for. You are the seventh of your generation. You are my chosen lamb."

"No offense, but I kinda feel like a escape goat."

"You have not failed my child. You are exactly where I want you to be. You stumble. You may always stumble but you have not fallen. You are loved so much. When you gave yourself to me, did that make you any less your parent's? Or were you just giving yourself willingly to I who've chosen you from the beginning?"

"Abba... here is my strife. For three years I've wandred as the enemy has wished for my soul. You've chosen me for a mission, and I always believed this mission is going to be hard. Forget hard, this mission is going to take every breath I breath, ever fiber of my mind, body, and soul to accomplish. I don't know what it is... but the past three years has shown me Mom and Dad... they aren't ready yet. At the same time, neither am I. As it has been, I shall be innocent. Your lamb before the slaughter. I wish with all my heart and soul to protect them from the burden of my mission. I don't think we have much longer. Abba, I don't know when the ax is to fall and I find myself in my mission, but I don't have much time." I pause to look up at him. "Am I crazy? Abba, am I just a mad fool rushing in where Angels dread not tread?"

"Who speaks? Is it this spirit of fear I have not given you? Be gone!" His eyes bore through me. I feel calmer. "My wrath can wait another day. I will use not just you, but many others. I qualify the called... Have you not grown where I've planted you?"

"There Abba is my strife. I have grown, but I love my family. All of my family even the ones I find it hard to forgive. They are who I've known for so long. This place is new, but I am offered adoption. It will give me so much. I will have access to the medical care I need. It will put a block in anyone's desire to strike at my family while places individuals who will help me achieve the goals you need me for. I am not ashamed of where I came from. But I fear they will see my desire to follow you as abandoning them. Abba! How can I choose between them? How can I be expected to leave my family even if it is what's best for us all. New name, new identity, a chance to leave my lesser self behind. A chance to be dedicated completely to your work. Abba! I don't want to leave them behind!"

"State the law. You read it."

"I forget the exact words, but adoption here for an adult is very simple. I alone make that choice for me. The only down side is the legal system will no longer give me a portion of any inheritance  from my biological family unless they form a will writing me in. I gain so much, I loose so little. Abba, can I not have both a biological family and a legal one?"

"Hope you are no longer, my child I shall call you from now on Victory. Laura LaVannan, step forward, it is my will, and I shall move in the hearts of those you fear and let them see what I've already stated. I gave you to your mother to raise, you were not hers, you were never hers. You've always been mine first. Fear not the flesh, and allow your spirit to be strengthened on my promises. You've not acted in secret, nor do you ask permission. You do not act in haste. Now, go get your goat and sleep."

I smile with a nod, hugging him tightly around his shoulders. "Abba, how could I be so lucky?"

"Luck has nothing to do with it, you are because I will it."

Talk by the shore (ooladada)

Torrents of noise cascade around me, the chaos crashing like waves upon the rocks. But I am not a rock. I'm upon the rock.

"Abba? You here?" I cry out into the darkness.

"Yes child, I am here." His voice surrounds me, comforting me like a blanket.

"Think I missed a step."

"I expect it, I wish obedience, not perfection."

I pause, listening to the waves. "What is true?" I ask him.

"I am truth." He replies.

"But in the chaos of what I'm being told, how do I know it's right?" I respond.

"Is it pure? Is it true? Does it build another up? Does it advance my kingdom?"

I sigh, sitting against the rock face behind me, the spray of the waves soaking me to the skin."But, I don't want the chaos."

"You want Serenity, silence, peace, harmony."

"How can I have harmony if I"m not even harmonious with myself?"

"Did I not say the flesh would war with the spirit and the spirit with the flesh? Who will you allow to win?"

"Abba, it's not fair!"

His warmth surrounds me. "I'm on your right side, you will not be moved."

"But what if I move myself?"

"Can you jump? You could, but I'd still be above, and below, and on your left, and upon your right."

I giggle at that. "Yeah... guess it's like swimming... you're still in the water. Just it might be more than you're used to dealing with."

"Kind of like that... it's how you can connect."

"Why do I feel so wrong? What's wrong with me?"

His eyes alight upon me, a gentle smile playing at his lips. "You are fallen. This life is a shadow of what I wish. Destroyed by sin... you too are marred by the sin."

"Can I go home now?"

"No."

I look up into his eyes with tears in my own. "I want something more than this."

"More than what you are now? No, you need to be content. You have so much to learn."

"Why did you allow me to shatter? Why can't I be whole again?"

"There was an infirmity in the metal. Sometimes a blade has to be forged again. And I wish for you to be holy."

"Can't I be normal? Can I not just... fit in? Abba? I am tired of being weird."

"I know child. Come close to me, and I'll give you the desires of your heart."

"Abba? What do I desire? Deep down, what is that I want? What do I really want?"

"What do you want child? You want it easy, you want a life without correction or ridicule. You want to always have exactly what to say, exactly how to say it always at the tip of your tongue. You want to know every man's every thought, and motive laid bare before you. You want to live without friction."

"When you put it like that you make it sound like I want to be you."

"No man can be me. And no man goes through life without stepping on other's toes. But lean on me, and I'll shape you to be a reflection of me."

"In the world, but not of it... Abba, what did you mean by that?"

There is silence. But I can feel him draw closer to me.

"I'm on the outside looking in."

"No, you are a light in the darkness. Some will be attracted like a moth, some will be repulsed. Light is not always loved... and your light has been dimmed because you've not been faithful."

"I miss you."

"I have missed you my beloved one."

"You're my father, and I am your child."

"Yes."

"Abba, why does this feel so flat, I wish for my writing to become more again. I'm rambling, and it's driving me crazy."

"VK... Do you think I care how little, or how great, or how powerful your writing is? Do you think I am incapable of turning this, or anything else for good? You desire to come close to me. That is what I want. I will use your pennies and feed the thousands. CHILD! Come here, and be tended. Draw close and rest. Go out, and do your duty. You go above and beyond for me. I am your master, and I give you your pay. I am all you need. Today, tomorrow, and forever. TRUST ME! Lean on me, embrace me. I am real, I am here... and I will not let you down. All that is good, I will give to you. You work for me. You do not answer to anyone else. And remember, everyone, WILL answer to me how they handled what I gave them."

"I know. Still why me?"

"Because you are willing? Because you listen. And because I am God."

"I should get back to life now... "

"Don't forget to take me with you. I'm a good resource."

I laugh out loud as he sits there smiling down upon me. "Yeah. The best. I'm tired."

"You could try harder. I am watching."

"Thanks, Abba, I needed this."

The waves still crash around me, but it's quieter now. Maybe it's me. As I pull myself back out of the realm and into reality I'm struck by a feeling of loss. But it's only for a second. I feel his presence surround me now it is time to rest.

The Study-Room Void

Slowly I make my way into the Library of Ooladada, collapsing into a private study nook onto a giant stack of pillows. I'd call it a mountain, but since Ooladada really did have a pillow mountain, this is a molehill.

I'm rambling. I knew I was rambling... know? I am... I grumble again at nothing more than my stupid self.

"Two Weeks! Are you ever going to talk to me again?" I say up into the rafters. The room is silent, deadly silent. I sigh, curling up into a ball. "Why have you left me? Why... why are you silent? What have I done that you've stopped talking to me?"

Still, the room is silent. The walls still lined with books, the lone table also as if the previous pupal had meant to come back, but hadn't yet.

"Where is Writus when you need him?" I grumble to myself. The Giver is silent, the Guardians are silent, the keepers are silent!" I suddenly stand throwing a pillow across the room.

Immediately, I regret it. "Oh, Father... what am I doing?" The silence continues to be deafening, clenching my eyes tight shut I want to scream, yell, shout... something. Anything? For a moment, I am tempted to bring one of my characters in... maybe Steady Wing... I reject the idea almost as fast as it had been brought to mind.

So we sit in silence. A clock ticks. A fan turns on. A lone beetle crawls over a page.

"I used to wonder how I could live without my vices... ya' know... I kept running from you in order to fill myself with them." I pause to contemplate. "But.... after these past two weeks... Father, I'm sick of this! I hate this silence. Even with my vices... they make me just feel ick. You, I felt known, pure.... perfect. Like nothing here really mattered. I... Father... I miss that peace. I have never ached for something like this before in my life. Driven... tied... greed... hunger.... but in it, I always am looking for that next high. If it's the reading of a sad book... or eating way too much sugar. I'm always just looking for that next... thing. With that- closeness. Abba I want that! I want that back so badly! Where are you?"

I nearly burst into tears. The room feels all the more still, silent... empty. "Where are you?"

"Oh child, my child.... why do you torment yourself so much?" I could feel the voice, but... no. it was in the same room.

"Abba?"

"When you are weak, then I make you strong, when you are down, then I lift you up. When times get hardest, that's when I speak loudest."

"I'm not home yet!" I nearly yell. "Why did you forsake me for those two weeks?"

Again he's quiet, but I feel driven to look at the book on the table. Picking up, I realize it's my journal. I am almost angry, but God's God, and this is in his library. He must have set this up beforehand. As I pick it up, it turns to a page almost on its own...

"March 6th... Another day of Blessings...

Wow Lord, Just... wow..."

I'm instantly humbled, as my eyes glaze over what I had written. It was a day of provision. Of blessing... of opportunity to do something great. Something I had almost not done because I hate talking to people. But it turned out to be such a day of blessing.

"It is progress, a new house, and blessings will be coming out our ears. Lord, Thank you for giving me your Song." Matt, 22:37-39.  Jesus said to him, You shall Love the LORD your God with all your heart, soul, and mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it, you shall love your neighbor as yourself."

I close the book, biting my lip. "Abba?"

"Do you not understand?"

"No..." I admit. "This is all just.... Blast... Forget it.... Thanks for letting me be with my sister for an extra two days."

"Child... come here." For the first time in two weeks, my eyes fall upon him. "Oh, Abba!" My feet carry me to him, breaking down in tears. "I'm tired of being alone!

"Shhh child," For a while, he lets me just cry into his shoulder.

Finally my tears slow down. I still ache, probably will break down again. But for the moment, I'm done. For even longer, he just holds me, letting me feel his strength and protection.

"What is your favorite verse." He asks me.

"There are a lot of good ones," I admit

Instantly, I could feel his disappointment.

"I will cover you with my feathers, I will shelter you with my wings, my promises are your armor of protection.

"He who keeps Israel doesn't slumber nor does he sleep.

"The Lord is my light and my Salvation, whom shall I fear, the Lord is the strength of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?"

"When was the last time you read my words?"

"This afternoon."

"That's a lie child. The truth."

I bit my lip thinking. "Well, I listened to Carmon this afternoon... kinda... yesterday in church a bit."

"Not for church, for yourself?"

"I was reading Jerimiah..." I admit. "Before that Ezekiel... some out of Daniel..."

"Very good child, that's better. When was the last time you picked it up?"

"Probably last Tuesday..."

"So a week..." He asked me. It wasn't condescending, just stating a fact. But I felt like the biggest failure.

"V... why are you down? Why do you cower in shame."

"I should be reading daily. Especially while I had my sister. I missed an opportunity to show real Christianity."

He shook his head. "I am disappointed you didn't pick it up and read it. You ask me why I was silent. Child, I keep telling you that I gave you books, I put it in a recording so you could listen to it on your time.... that is my main communication."

"Yeah, I know I'm daft, you don't have to say it in as many words."

"If you are reading your Bible only for your sister to see you doing it, I will not speak to you through it. You have your reward."

I freeze, my mouth agape. "Wait... what?"

"Your reading is for you. I will work in Sunshine's life on her speed. I'm not worried about her right here, right now. There, with her, I'm concerned, so don't take that the wrong way."

I nearly giggle, but I knew it needed saying.

"Child, I'm always with you."

"I know..." I admit.

"Up there you do, how about down here? Where have I been? Right there. I was there when you struggled the worst. You could have asked for deliverance instead of falling prey to the need for one more chapter..."

"I... wanted out," I admitted.

"Did you?"

"Some part did."

He nodded. "You're still fighting the battle of your fleshly desires. You've allowed yourself to fall into quite the pit. I'm proud of you for wanting to come out, to follow and dump those little bits at a time..."

"There's this song I remember hearing once... where you walk through a house examining how clean it is... but then reach the closet and it's a mess... and the owner has to actually let you clean out the closet... It's a Bluegrass song... why can't I find it?"

He smiles, "You will, when the time is right."

I sigh. "Why did you ignore me for two weeks, why didn't you answer as quickly, why didn't you seek me out this time?"

Abba's eyes sparkle. "Oh child, think about it? Ignore you? No, I was busy letting you feel that emptiness. You needed to feel the difference. You want me now more than ever."

I giggle at where my mind went. Romanticly... Now I'm blushing.

"That's exactly what I'm talking about. I want to have an instant relationship with you. But that only works if it's two way. You have to want me back. You have to seek me back. But... as you've been learning with the animal class you're taking, that's part of pressure and release.  I made you look at me, didn't give you rest until you did, now, I'm drawing you closer to me."

"Yeah..." I have nothing really more to say about this. He's right. It's a horse gentling technique. There are faster ways to train a horse, but the best way is through this simple method. Cut off the driveline, then use pressure release to get the horse to obey. Constant pressure will make the horse freak out, too much distance and the horse will do it's own thing. But with the combonation, it draws the horse to want to come. Want to be petted, then accepting of the lead rope.

"Very good."

with a sigh, I lean into him. "I'm so tired."

"I know."

"I do appreciate being with my sister for two extra days. It was hard letting her go."

"I'm preparing a place for you. Child. Patience."

"I dont' see it! I just dont' see it."

"I have given you all the proof you need. Do you see me?"

"Well, I can hear, feel-"

"I'm here."

"yes... You are here, here with me."

"I am here, and I have promised you a home. Trust me on this. Now... sleep, child."

"Will I get to be with my angel again? Will he come see me again?"

The Giver smiles down at me, brushing a stray hair from my face. "Oh child, my dear child. Am I not enough for you?"

"Yes... but..."

"But feel my presence, I've got you, under my feathers. And when I'm silent, then maybe you need to read."

"I'll try Abba."

"Oh my child, if only you were stronger.  But I will walk 500 miles, then I will walk 500 more just to be that man who walks a thousand miles just to stand outside your door."

As his voice fades, I find myself basking in the peace, and the silence of the room, collapsing into the great pillow pile.

"If I'm not strong enough to be what it is you need me to be Lord... Give me your strength to handle it."


------------------

AN: Disclaimer. OOLADADA IS PARTLY IMAGINATION. It's a fictionalized rendition of my spiritual arguments. Few months back I felt challenged to talk to God on the same level as I would my imaginary friends... Since I treat them as real, and legit... and God as this thing that you talk to... Real but, so far above us that you tiptoe... well I felt the need to try this. So, the situation is real, God is real, half what he says is what I hear... but the place, and sights... stuff like that is kinda a mix of imagination and interpretation. My understanding of spiritual stuff.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed.

Cowgirl VK out.

Kendra's Little Yellow Dump-Truck (Dream)

Last night I had one of those dreams that I'm STILL laughing over. I'll try to do it justice. No guarantees.

Genres (Aventure/Comedy)

----------------------------------

This wasn't the first time we were to climb the mountain. I couldn't even remember why we needed to climb the mountain. But there was something up there that we needed. Or some person... I could never remember.

"Come on V!" A pillow comes flying through the air colliding with my head. "We are late! Oh, what is that smell?" My eyes crack open to stare across the room at Kendra... Kendra? I decide not to question it.

My feet hit the floor. "I'm up!"

"Good," She said. "Shower, grab your bags we're leaving in ten minutes."

I blink... "In what?"

"I bought a dump truck!" She tells me proudly as she skips from the room.

"A... dump truck," I blink trying to wrap my mind around my sister's announcement. Oh whatever... did only have a very fractional amount of time to leave.

Grabbing my stuff I head to the shower, which I miraculously know where is despite the fact that this is obviously no place I've ever been before... If I were to guess, it's in her house... I decide not to question that either. Dream logic, ya 'know.

Once in the shower, and sudds up... I come to the sudden realization that the only soap in there is in a glass... perfume bottle. A glass- very large, very fancy, flower etched... perfume bottle that says. 'color enhancing shampoo' for thick, curly luxurious hair.

Must have been an impulse buy. Or Kendra dyed her hair again and didn't tell me... I shake my head and go with my gut, she bought that for no other reason than it was different.

I get dressed as fast as I can, and miraculously, we're on the road in the required time limit. "You use some thyme on your clocks?" I asked her hoping for the answer to be no as we walked out to the garage.

"Oh the spaghetti sauce just loves thyme... maybe we should eat moon dust on the way."

It's a dream, don't question it. "Right... I suppose I'm to do cartwheels in the hall?"

"That would be prudent, but not until after we get there."

Walking out the garage I look around. "Uh... Kendra? Where's your dump truck?" I ask her.

"Over here, I had it shrunk to fit." She pulls a tiny little toy yellow dump truck from the shelf, opens the door, and climbs in.

Again, don't question it. Taking a deep breath, I open the door and look in.

"OH!" she says, "I need you to grab the car mats... I forgot to put them back in."

"Obviously."

The floor of that truck couldn't have been messier. The whole thing was caked in... bread crumbs, cookie crumbs, and crushed Oreos. But I find the large truck mats easily hanging on the other wall. I look between them, and our mode of transportation.

"Don't worry, I did get the right size! Just toss them in and come on! We really do need to get going before I have to toss more thyme onto the clocks."

And... they did. As my hand passed through the door, everything shrunk to fit. I climbed in after them and we were off.

The interior of the truck was again odd. The seats were made out of crackers, and the seatbelt was licorice. Made me wonder about the outside being a toy. Where did my sister find this thing?

"So, back to the top?"

"Yeah, and we've got a polistoikehedron on our tail." She replied as if we were discussing the weather.

"Great..." I said.

"Not really, Bet he brought some of those other monsters too. Bet he wants... whatever it is that the Giver wants us to get."

"And what is that?"

"I thought you knew." She replied glancing at me as she ziz-zagged up the road.

"You sure you don't want me to drive?"

"Not a bad idea!" She pushes a button and the steering where disappears from her side and appears on mine.

"Did you get it from Santa?" I ask.

"Might have, Just appeared in my driveway. Could have come from Mrs. Frizzle too."

I laugh at this, relaxing into the role of driving. "We are to climb the mountain and find... whatever it is we are to find."

"Exactly!" She sings

"Let's do it then."

As we drove, the road slowly changed from flatland, into a rocky forest, then finally we were climbing. Colder and colder the air grew as we made our trip up the mountain. I could see why she'd gotten the vehicle she had. The road was getting steeper, and narrower. Finally, in a section, it became too narrow for us to continue and too steep for us to park.

"I'll drop you here, then return," I said.

"Where you going?" She asked.

"To park it in a place where this... oddity won't be found, and won't go anywhere without us."

She nods. "Just make sure it's left upside down." She instructs me.

So, now alone, I back up nearly half a mile before I see a ledge overhanging the road Just at where my shoulders would normally be. I park the truck, get out, and flip it over leaving it behind a yellow flower bush and head to catch up.

The trip back up the mountain was a lot faster than what I expected, but the ledge was also a lot narrower than I remembered. Finally, I find a cave and turn in, this being the only direction Kendra could have taken forward. Once inside I hear two voices from out ahead of me. Puzzled, I follow.

"Purple chickens run faster than blue ones."

"SERIOUSLY! It's the red ones that are the fastest."

"Oh for crying out loud!" I mumble to myself trying desperately to wrap my head around the nonsense... yet again.

As I enter a cavern, I realize she's arguing with a giant, Venus Flytrap. Around it, moss, and glow warms light the enclosed area, and there she stood in the middle of it, going full force into a debate I couldn't even hope to follow.

"Kendra! We can't afford to be standing around!"

"I know!" she said, "But if we don't ask the good fly trap then we'll never figure out where we are supposed to find the dohicky that is supposed to do the whatnot for the whoever."

The plant, noticing me turns it's... now sunflower face towards me. "Oh! Hello! The blueberries grow on trees!"

"Sometimes," I reply.

"Very good, you may stay here until tomorrow night. It's time to wake up now... and boy do you stink!"

With that, it turned back to Kendra, morphing into a Rose, and going off again on some other nonsesne debate.

-------------------

And that's where the dream cut off. With me hoplessly trying to follow their logic through a debate that would be better suited for Discord and Pinkie Pie in MLP. The whole cavern changing itself to fit the topic they were dicussing.

But I figured you guys would either loose sanity, or get a laugh out of that one.

Until Next time.

Cowgirl Out.

Retreat reflections.

I stumble into my bedroom, bags heavy in my hands, hardly making it to the bed, I plop down exhausted. Must make the bed, unpack... then set back up the computer, oh yeah... everything from the floor is all over the place. I should never have left. This is just simply more than I can handle. My mind begins a slow gradual downspin of every negative moment over the past few days.

It is at this moment I see Oth... His great arms are crossed over his chest as he looks down on me with amusement and a hint of forbearance.

Oth is a guardian, large, pushing nine foot I would say wingtip to wingtip... which he has four of, I'd say much greater.

I freeze before simply flopping on the bed. I don't want to write, I don't want to talk, and we both know it.

"I go to an event to help energize me to write... and I just feel worse." I bemone to him.

He lets out a great sigh before sitting, shaking his head in amusement at my little ol' self. I know the look, it's the same one I give my sister when she's melted all over Walmart's floor after a day of shopping complaining about some little nitpick little thing that just happened to tip her over the edge of her proverbial wall.

"Did you enjoy yourself?" he sits in the old rickety chair beside me. I always wonder why it doesn't break when he decides to set up camp there... but it never does. Now he glares at me for thinking such things.

"Yeah," I say simply

"Would you do it again."

"In a heartbeat," I reply... "But not tonight."

He smiles, his hand brushing the side of my face with gentle comfort. The love and devotion in his eyes are soothing. I let out a great sigh, a yawn, then another sigh.

"I... had fun. Much more than I expected since I knew nobody and was going to a writer's event..."

He glares at me with a shake of his head. "Did you learn nothing-"

"I... I learned..." I replied yawning again.

He smiled with another nod. his wing slips around my shoulders. "You took a lot of pictures."

"Wasn't the only one," I reply instantly.

He shakes his head at me, but I don't care, I feel so dead. So drained. I should be sleeping, but-

"Do you feel better?"

I pause, my mouth half-open trying to understand what he was getting at.

"I'm not to stay like this forever you know. I have more to do than just hold your hand. You need to, you have to re-learn how to rely on others. Those girls are all more than worthy of your trust, and friendship." He glares at me, his great cat eyes boring through me.

I just got home after three days of people, people, people, and you want to know if I feel better? I already said I feel dead."

Pain...

I look at my hands. I feel nothing, I know nothing. I just feel dead.

Elijah... the story of his flight from Jezable plays through my head slowly. My eyes turn to his. He's watching me.

I sigh, resigned. "I'm tired." I protest.

"I know." He says. "But you are also writing. Not just planning, or gaming."

I grumble under my breath. "Yeah, so what, I still don't feel any of this."

"You feel tired, you feel spent. You did your duty. I'm proud of you."

I feel the tears come to my eyes unbidden. I don't know why I'm crying, I simply am.

"Tell me about your adventure."

"I posted enough pictures-" I protest.

"You didn't post the half of them, and we both know it."

I look away, gazing off into the distance trying to pull myself back to the moment.

"When you first were told... how did you feel?"

"Afraid... There's just so much that can go wrong... and I knew none of the people there. What if... what if..." I don't say it, but we both know what my fear was... rejection. Again. Now a tear really does fall down my face. Or, a situation where my health becomes an issue. It always does, if even just a little.

"Then what... keep saying."

I'd almost forgotten he was in the room, I blush, shying away from his gaze. I wonder how much wisdom and knowledge are behind those eyes... that's off topic. The trip...

"What was it?"

I bite my lip. "A retreat... an adventure into someplace far away with eight girls I didn't even know."

"Eight isn't so many... now think of how all your artist friends felt..."

"New kid at the party..."

"Packing..."

Anxious. I really don't want to say that out loud. I'd packed, then re-packed, then double packed... then felt for certain I'd overpacked, or forgotten something... probably both... somewhere. Maybe I should unpack and make sure I-

His hand falls on my arm again, his eyes firm. "Tomorrow. Rest, reflect, and pull yourself together."

"I'd rather escape."

"And avoid dealing with this, and forgetting the whole of it entirely.... you should also focus if you have any desire to sleep. What is one thing you learned... not your head, but your heart."

"My heart, or my spirit?" I ask.

He gives me that mysterious smile... I sigh. "My head didn't really learn anything... not really."

"I didn't ask about your head. What did your soul, spirit, and heart learn."

"Ah!! All of them!" I pause, trying to capture my escaping brain from the sheep pen... "I learned... I learned I missed doing things as a community. I miss my friends. I miss doing the reviews. Don't really miss writing-" The moment that's out of my mouth I freeze, baffled at the statement. "I don't miss writing?"

"You've never stopped, but you do miss the spirit of the writing."

"Sarah's talk..." I reply.

He nods. "You have forgotten why you write child. "

"I... still write my poetry. And besides, I did paint too."

"You painted so you didn't feel like you were the idiot in the room of saints."

"Translation I was showing off..." I reply.

"Exactly. You were showing them why they should accept you, then warning them why they should keep their distance... But why do you write, what is the spirit of it..."

I look away. "Originally, to have my sister's approval."

"Must it always be about that?"

I look away, realizing Oth had stopped talking, but rather it was the Giver who'd taken over talking to me, not through Oth, but within my own spirit.

"Yeah... guess it does," I say.

"Why do you write now?"

"So I don't forget what I've learned... so I have a record of what happened day to day..."

"What about your fiction?"

"Again, so I don't forget."

"What a goal." I look at Oth, as he smiles warmly down at me, his wings brushing my shoulder yet again.

"And what in hills on fire is that supposed to mean? What type of motive is 'so I don't forget?' What does it do for your kingdom? How does it further anything?"

"Some people write to uplift. Others write to inform, but you are there to remind. You don't say anything new. You shouldn't say anything new. Why do you think I allowed your head injury? Because you needed a short-term reminder to use your ability. You HAD to be disabled in the short term to understand how broken all humans are. How short-sighted they are."

"Alright, so this is Sarah's talk, Grace did one too... though I don't remember what on-" At that moment, I realize I can remember the story better than the lesson. I remember her talking about doing dramatic readings... something I sorely miss. But I don't remember her talk!

"Why didn't you write it down?"

"Because I wouldn't be able to listen," I reply instantly.

"And there are others, who took detailed notes, that if you asked, would be more than happy to share them... that is what a community is for. This work I give not just to you, but to many."

"So this talk isn't just for me then."

"You are the pen, and I am the author... is that not what we agreed?"

What if I get hurt again?

"Did I not teach you about the importance of not getting proud? They are on a fast track to pride. So are you. Fame must come slow, so one does not become proud. But, you will have a place in that group as well. And if one hurts you, then pray for them. I'll bring all good things to you as it is good for you to have them. This was my will. You needed that. The peace of nature, that I made... besides, you were praying for Blue Bonnet pictures."

I giggle with a smile. "And Indian Paintbrushes... got both."

"A walk, two nights of sleep no issues.... laughter, and games... and someone who delighted in your art."

"I have never seen someone value my work so highly."

"That is how I value it child. You needed to see that, to feel that, to own that look."

I nodded with a smile, glancing around, I realize in talking to the Giver Oth had left.

"Yeah..." I yawn again.

"Your body needs rest..." The information was not new, I knew I needed sleep. I was BONE tired.

"I created you so that after time with others, you would have to go off on your own to rest, to reflect. It's not bad. But you can't fear this weariness. You have to allow yourself out again. You have to let yourself build a community. but delight in the rest as well. Build yourself back up to sleep. I love you child"

"I love you too Abba." The weariness still washes over me in tides, but the dead feeling, the feeling that I had for so long allowed myself to prevent writing was gone. Probably to return.

There was a hush in the holy of holies, but it was fresh now, and free of strife.

A Talk with the Giver

The meadow was a beautiful place here in the center of Ooladada's hills. Giver's hill was the exact location. The Anka's vault could just be seen. I myself was up there storyboarding. I  never really liked talking to my 'friends' when others could hear me... it was odd. But up here, I could talk to them all day long and never feel out of place.

In my mind's eye, I pulled up my current companion. Doofy. Doofy was simply his Nika name... I won't say more because... well I'm not ready to tell you guys here. The Alian's gold eyes and emerald armor shone in the light. "Are you kidding! Kish if I had my way... ya' know... I think I chose to be with you so I had at least chosen something. Some days, I feel like Rapunzel."

My companion laughs. "You are capable..."

A feeling of disappointment and sorrow fill me. I look behind me towards the Anakulen's Vault. Standing beside it I see the Giver. I sigh, dismissing my imaginary friend. I'm not about to continue with this line of thought and walk towards him. "Sir." I begin.

"If only you would talk to me as you would them."

I can feel the pain in his voice. I look at my feet chewing the inside of my lip.

"The keepers, the guards, even the playmates you communicate with freely... and I have to overhear. V...." He walks over, kneeling in the grass in front of me. "Shall we sit? Can we talk? Can I say anything to you?"

"We can I guess... but I don't want to waste your time. There are others."

"Do you think the master of time itself can't find the time to deal with all? You need to talk, so let us sit."

The birds sang around us, the wind whistled through the trees.... and I sat with him in the dew filled grass. "What... what do you want to know?" I stammer unsteadily.

"Listen? Do you hear the birds?" He said to me.

I smiled. "Yes, m'lord. I hear the birds."

"How long will you call me that child? I have made you my own! I do not sit here with you out of duty."

I look away. "It's awkward..."

"It's not normal. Not in your new sense. I did this all the time for Adam and Eve. You talk to your imaginary friends... you WANT to talk to your imaginary friends. Can your small mind not understand this?"

"I'm trying to... My friends are different. I can't offend them. They are just imaginary. They don't exist. I can figure things out before it matters."

"Child... oh my dear child! How long must you suffer? How long must you turn your face from me towards another? Have you made yourself gods of these things? I who've made you, who've raised you out of the multitude, who have chosen to talk to you in this way.... and you turn to an idol?"

"It's not an idol... it's just an imaginary friend."

"Did it come between us?"

I pause gulping. "Not... exactly."

"You know I know everything?"

I bite my lip, my ankulen burning against my forehead. "it's just... it's just... weird... ya' know."

"You've been studying helping those who are trapped in their mind... to communicate, how do you reach them?"

"By joining them in their play..." I say without missing a beat.

"How's that?"

"Don't you know?" I protest.

"I want you to tell me child.... and use my name. The name I told you to call me."

"They are trapped Abba... Daddy... trapped in their minds. But they are trying to reach out. Not always the way we'd accept. But to enter, you must mimic them... join in. If they beat on the table... turn it into a rhythm... or follow the bouncing beat game.... gently of course... don't break anything. Then, slowly they'll open up."

"How is that different than what I'm doing now?"

I snort. "Are you calling me retarded?"

"Are you saying you know the mind of God?" He throws back at me.

I can't help but giggle at this. He gives me a half smile. "I guess to you we are no different than those poor souls with autism. Trapped in their small reality."

"Everyone is trapped in a reality. Just some are smaller than others. Child... oh my darling one. If only you would talk to me as you do your imagination. If only you would cry out to me as you do them. Have I not reached out to you? Have I not spoken to you directly? Child, grow your faith and trust in me. I have set you upon a rock, I have placed my mark upon you. You won't be moved. And you cannot be harmed. If your heart desires it, tell me. Tell me everything. Because I want to grant you everything."

"But you are so much more Lord! Oh, how can I ever treat you as lowly as I these figments of imagination?"

"Do you not treat them as real? I am real, and yet you've set me on a shelf."

"I have not!"

"You've asked me why I've been silent... but when was the last time you talked to me? Open your eyes. And while it is good to have an imagination. I come first. I've written the world into existence. Can I not help you write your own stories? Can I not take what you possess and make it the best you can be. Let me child take your pen, and let this story be mine. Let us together cowrite all things."

"People are going to call me odd...."

"When have people ever been faithful. Don't worry about this generation. It shall be honored here, even if it is despised there. Give me your pen, and let me write through you."

"Lord, I wish to say yes, but I don't know how..."

"Then meditate on my words, and let me teach you. But first, you must learn to talk to me. Then, you can learn to write with me."

"Lord, this is not in me, or of me. Nor of me could it ever be...."

"Let me take the load, and you can do all. You are beautiful. You are kind. You are gentle...."

I feel my cheeks grow hot. "Sir!"

"Are these not the words you make your characters say? Child, you have spiritual eyes that you may see me, a heart that cries for wisdom. You've turned your heart to me that I can speak."

"But my feet run towards the world Lord. There are shiny things I want!"

"Tell me about them, and I will give it to you all that I deem good."

"Lord... sometimes it's awkward.. and I don't always know exactly what it is I want... and...I still don't like asking...."

"Just ask, and I will provide."

"You are good Lord...."

"Child, I am your father, so let me give to you all that which a father would."

"Can you give me more than I can ever need?

"Can you first handle nothing? Can your green pastures be one bite per step?"

"I can try Lord," I reply.

"No, don't try. For your flesh is weak, and you'd never make it. Hold my hand, and let me guide you."

"Like a horse..."

"With the blinders on."

"Still odd."

I hear him laugh beside me. "Don't measure with the flesh that which is of the spirit. When a man comes against you to kill you... let no man question that I have placed my mark on you. You are my child, and I am your Father. I will work great things through you. But first, you must trust. You must Talk. And you must let me write through you."

I blush as I look at my hands. "When I am weak, then I'm strong."

"I've covered you with my feathers, I will shelter you with my wings. This my promise will be your armor. The armor I gave you so long ago. You shall grow, and it shall fit. Go, child, I will be with you."

"Thank you, Abba..." The words, still funny in my mouth slip off my tongue as I rise. He vanishes, not of my will, but the season of sight had ended. I sigh as I walk back down the hill to the portal to reality. Pausing, I look back over my shoulder. "Thank you... I'll try to remember."

"Don't try... Do." his voice is the wind itself whistling over the land.

Words of Wisdom from Writus.

(This is from the Ooladada seriese. Ooladada is an imaginary world that is shared by christian writers (Anka and Anku) where God has kept sacred the creations of his children. Not all last, some rot over time... but nothing is ever forgotten if it's done in the right heart.)

I, Anka LaVanna' stomp into the Library Behind the Rainbow in a huff. "SERIOUSLY!" I yell at Writus. The guardian pauses, looking down at me, my face all red and puffed up. "SERIOUSLY!"

The old gnome sighs, his green eyes closes as he shakes his head. Taking a breath, he decends the ladder and walks over to where I stand; arms crossed. "First, take a deep breath."

"I'm breathing, now tell me why you let them get rid of my childhood stories without telling me!" I growl down at him. My mind of course goes back to when the little guy was much taller than I was.

"You came to the Library to yell at me for your earth destorying some of your writing." He looks at me with an air of disappointment. "Kathie... oh Kathie look at yourself. Just... look at yourself. You were doing so well."

I pause, not really wanting to listen. "They destoried.... They destroyed... HIDDEN!"

"A story that you need to leave behind."

"But it's importiant!" I protested. "It was a reminder! Not to let my temper to get between me and anyone! How could you take that away!"

"Kathie... We still have it. No, you are not going to get it. Maybe someday you'll be able to write it again. but I've told you. over and over and over again, to let that go."

I stomp my foot growling at him. "But you are supposed to protect our stories! How could you have let this happen?"

"Is my charge your earth? Is the writings of earth of any account? I no more LET your work get destroyed on earth... than I let the Library of Alexandria fall. Is Earth really where you want your books kept? Are any of them safe? No. Paper rots, rock breaks, computers are erased. Blink, and all your hard work is gone... but it's only temporary... it's only Earth. Up here, Yes. Yes it is my duty to keep reccord. I'm to keep this library. You are mixing Earthly and heavenly Kath... Listen to yourself."

I hold his gaze for a moment longer, before bursting into tears. "I lost it... it's gone!"

"I still have it." He reminded me. "And for now, I have it sealed on your shelf. Along with all those stories you threw away because they were not perfect. I have kept every one. Every single one is recorded. Let Go..."

I melt onto the floor, leaning against a bookcase as I cry. "How many more? How many more did I have on Figment before they destroyed them?"

"Several... but the Giver will give you more." he reminded me, walking over and laying a hand on my shoulder as I cried.

"But they were mine!" I sobbed after a while.

"And now they need to go." he repeated.

I could hear in his tone, the loving guardian was disappointed in my selfsh little heart. I... who have been given this opertunity to visit the Library behind the Rainbow... and I was sitting in the middle of the floor throwing a temper tantrum over a lost story... well, not so lost. I still have it in my heart, and with the nature of the library, to record all, past, present, and future stories any Anka or Anku ever writes... the good, the bad, and the ugly.  "I'm an idiot."

The statement sends a smile to his lips. "No, you are just afraid to let go. Change hurts, but to grow, you need to."

"Can't go home, can't drive... and now you rob me of my stories."

He frowns glaring at me. "Anka LaVannan... That was an insult and you know it. I have no more forknowlege than you do. If you want to be mad at someone, yell at God. I'm just a keeper."

"It's still not fair!"

"Who said life was fair?"

"You don't have to live on that blasted Earth." I growl back at him.

He sighs shaking his head. Kneeling beside me he looks me straight in the eye. "You're a hippocrite."

"Tell me something I don't know." I protest.

He shakes his head laughing. "You are more concerned over a PLANT than..."

"Story..." I corrected him. "You're right... I know you are right. I should be blessing God. He's done so much over the past few weeks, and yet..."

Writus nods. "And yet, something this small has thrown you for a loop. It's gone. Accept it and move on. It's done it's job. You HAVE the importiant ones. Anka, you are called to so much more than bellyaching in the middle of my library. So take a deep breath, and do something about it. None of those stories you were ever going to finish. But I reccomend that you save some of your other stuff in other places. And let this remind you... when Mom says back things up... Maybe you should listen."

"Moms are great things..." I hiccup, drying my tears.

"Sure are. Now do your duty and let me get back to work. I've gotten nine million new stories to move from the haven't been written section to the written while you've been crying."

"I'll get out of your way then."

The old man nods. "And Kathie... Chin up. This too will pass."

Two headed turtles

I must be dreaming. That could be the only explanation for the red sky... red sky... oh no... I feel my cheeks grow hot remembering the last time I was here getting chewed out for my inability to put one and one together and come up with three. 

I shake pulling myself out of that line of thought. I look around me. Like always I am surrounded by people. Characters from so many different books and series that it seemed illogical but that was the logic of Ooladada. 

"Hello, good sir, might I ask..." I take a deep breath. "What is going on?" worry crept into my voice. 

"Oh, dude, hi, we were about to go burn some rubber." He said indicating the weirdest race car ever. 

I gulp. How did I get myself into this type of crowd? I shake my head and sigh. I open my mouth to say something, But was interrupted by the shaggy man. 

"Might you be Princess V.K. ? Because we were supposed take her with us." 

The color drained from my cheeks. "Yes sir, I am. Might I ask where we are going?" 

A lady in a black leather outfit appeard out of nowhere. "Howard, is that the princess." 

"She says she is." 

"Well then we need to pack up and move out. We have miles to burn." She grabbed my elbow. Nerece, Pleased to meet you princess, we can talk on the road, There is something you need to see." 

Next thing I knew I was ridding inside that car with it going like a million miles a second. They were not kidding when they said 'burn rubber'. Nerece and Howard jabbered at me from the front seat there mouths going just as fast as the wheels of the souped up car. 

"Sweet ride huh dude?" Howard yelled over the engine. 

"It would be sweeter if it slowed down a bit." I answered. 

"Can't do that, We have a long way to go and You might not be here long enough as it is." 

I sighed and clung all the tighter to my seat. 

"Don't worry. We won't crash unless you want us to. You're the Anka after all." Nerece comforted me. 

"Thanks." I said through clinched teeth. Long ride was right with us going as fast as the car could go it still took us hours to reach our destination. The sky began to grow dark and the road became more and more rough we went from rolling hills to flat land to bog in a matter of seconds. Finally they started slowing down and was able to get a good look. 

"Getting pretty close." Howard yelled back. 

"Pretty close to what?" 

"Don't know, But I hope you will."  suddenly he slammed on his brakes and we came to a screaming halt.  

"What..." I look out the window to miles of upturned turtles. "Where are we? 

"Don't know the name just know that this is where the trouble is." Nerece said. 

"Trouble or turtles?" I asked half teasing. I climbed out of the back window and picked my way through them. I could sense pain from them. I wondered at this and started helping them flip over but still they all writhed in a drug like state. I glanced up at the sky. It was growing later and later. 

After traveling for miles we stopped at an dinner to grab a bite to eat. Not for me for I wasn't hungry but for my companions who clammed they could eat a horse. 

Now to the part of the story that actually matters. 

While we were eating, I suddenly saw/felt someone throw me/it off of a cliff then suddenly snap as if a rope was wrapped around me. I jerked back into the hear and now and quietly slipped outside. I followed the still present trail from the vision. till I came to the cliff that I saw. I looked out over the edge to see a small box turtle hanging from a rope tied about his middle I pulled him in untied him and gave him some food and water. 

After taking a few bites a second head appeared. "We/I would like to thank you Anka VK for coming to my/our rescue." 

"My honor, Do you know why I was brought here to begin with?" I asked still confused by the days advents. 

The turtle shook it's heads. "Can't you tell? I did not believe it, you are slow." 

My cheeks grew hot. 

"Look around you? Isn't there something odd going on?" 

Besides the fact that you have two heads, and I saw millions more turtles upside down unable to right themselves." 

The turtle took a deep breath. "Yes, but those are just products of a much bigger problem. You can't see it because You are not looking. Turn off you Ankulen and live like us for a second then you will see what I am talking about." 

I did, I had not realized up until that moment how dark it was. "My!" I said turning it back on.

"He is on the move, You have to warn the Anka and Anku, I can't promise they will be able to see it. He has already taken over this world, and he is after more." 

"Are you talking about the Polistoichedren?" I asked. 

"No, It's master. The prince of darkness. He is on the move." 

With that I woke up.