Turmoil of the Soul

"ABBA!" My heart is almost breaking as I finally slow down enough to sit down and talk. Of course he's here, I had not needed to shout. I never need to shout.

"Yes my child?"

"Is this of you." I bite my lip trying to still the storm of thoughts and emotions that rage through me. "Look, I can't choose. I can't make this choice if I don't know it's of you!"

"My child, oh my child how you torment yourself! What have I said? Tell me, what is it that has burdened your spirit so?"

"Lord, you know all things, you know what it is that is the desire of my heart... you also know the fears that plague me."

"Have I not asked for confession?" His eyes are so sincere as he sets himself beside me on the grass. "Speak child."

"I have been given an offer that from all angles I see only blessing and prosperity. I see it as an answer to a mystery hidden to me, and also to be your will. I fear my family. I fear the choice and the parts of it I can't see. I could make it, I could just do it without asking, but... Abba, If it is your will, should I not trust that you've spoken to their hearts as well on this matter?"

"What did I not say to the rich young ruler?" His eyes bore through me. I'm still trying to gather myself after my near panic attack. I still can't beliv-

"Write child."

"You told him to leave his father and mother, sell everything he had and follow you." I'm not looking at him as I say these words.

"Is stuff not you depending on your own understanding? Is it not holding onto the flesh? My child, I have a plan for you even in this."

"Why I've chosen to write My'lord. I need to sort these thoughts, go through what I know. Abba! I need council in this."

"Who are you?"

"I am hope. I am the one who you've set your mark upon. Abba, every moment you've guided. I'm an legal adult, but a failure of a human being-"

"I choose the weak of this world to confound the wise. I chose you. Not just at birth, I chose you when you were not yet a thought upon your parent's minds. Before you sparked a light within your mother I chose you. I guided your parts together and willed you to live. You are the one I lent to your parents. You were not asked for. You are the seventh of your generation. You are my chosen lamb."

"No offense, but I kinda feel like a escape goat."

"You have not failed my child. You are exactly where I want you to be. You stumble. You may always stumble but you have not fallen. You are loved so much. When you gave yourself to me, did that make you any less your parent's? Or were you just giving yourself willingly to I who've chosen you from the beginning?"

"Abba... here is my strife. For three years I've wandred as the enemy has wished for my soul. You've chosen me for a mission, and I always believed this mission is going to be hard. Forget hard, this mission is going to take every breath I breath, ever fiber of my mind, body, and soul to accomplish. I don't know what it is... but the past three years has shown me Mom and Dad... they aren't ready yet. At the same time, neither am I. As it has been, I shall be innocent. Your lamb before the slaughter. I wish with all my heart and soul to protect them from the burden of my mission. I don't think we have much longer. Abba, I don't know when the ax is to fall and I find myself in my mission, but I don't have much time." I pause to look up at him. "Am I crazy? Abba, am I just a mad fool rushing in where Angels dread not tread?"

"Who speaks? Is it this spirit of fear I have not given you? Be gone!" His eyes bore through me. I feel calmer. "My wrath can wait another day. I will use not just you, but many others. I qualify the called... Have you not grown where I've planted you?"

"There Abba is my strife. I have grown, but I love my family. All of my family even the ones I find it hard to forgive. They are who I've known for so long. This place is new, but I am offered adoption. It will give me so much. I will have access to the medical care I need. It will put a block in anyone's desire to strike at my family while places individuals who will help me achieve the goals you need me for. I am not ashamed of where I came from. But I fear they will see my desire to follow you as abandoning them. Abba! How can I choose between them? How can I be expected to leave my family even if it is what's best for us all. New name, new identity, a chance to leave my lesser self behind. A chance to be dedicated completely to your work. Abba! I don't want to leave them behind!"

"State the law. You read it."

"I forget the exact words, but adoption here for an adult is very simple. I alone make that choice for me. The only down side is the legal system will no longer give me a portion of any inheritance  from my biological family unless they form a will writing me in. I gain so much, I loose so little. Abba, can I not have both a biological family and a legal one?"

"Hope you are no longer, my child I shall call you from now on Victory. Laura LaVannan, step forward, it is my will, and I shall move in the hearts of those you fear and let them see what I've already stated. I gave you to your mother to raise, you were not hers, you were never hers. You've always been mine first. Fear not the flesh, and allow your spirit to be strengthened on my promises. You've not acted in secret, nor do you ask permission. You do not act in haste. Now, go get your goat and sleep."

I smile with a nod, hugging him tightly around his shoulders. "Abba, how could I be so lucky?"

"Luck has nothing to do with it, you are because I will it."