Lauren's open response to Kendra

This letter has nothing to do with my proposed decision to be adopted. (Which has not taken place yet! It's simply a discussion.) This simply has to do with everyone's refusing to acknowledge my autonomy as an adult.  

_____________________________________________

Kendra, this is Lauren  🙂

 I'm sitting down at Vannan's computer because frankly you know nothing of me.

you are judging her on slander that you have heard without merit

you've Been invited by your sister and you are constantly discrediting

her AMAZING progress

from depression to joy, from distrust to strength ALL POWERED by the ALMIGHTY

I am not the reason she has finally embraced her womanhood, I am just an avenue that God chose

I'm honored to be on this journey with your sister

I have seen the level of disrespect you guys have leveled against her and she has weathered it with grace

I'm disappointed that so many people have chosen to accept slander as truth and discredit Vannan in her accomplishments

it is unbiblical to spit slander and refuse to view for yourself.

You can answer all the sing song silliness you will

but without seeing for yourself without rejoicing with your sister in her accomplishments you are disrespecting the Almighty

in such a way that you might question your intent

Do you not want your sister to succeed? 

Do you not value her ambition?

 Do you not care that she is developing Autonomy in a way that is AMAZING and Godly?

There have been times that we have sat in many discussions where she has sharpened my wisdom in her insight

she is to be cherished and valued

not discredited

I am disgusted at how you have disvalues her how you have chosen to accept lies and to speak disrespect and slander without hesitation

She has been progressing in a way that makes me think that after about 6 months she will be able to obtain her own apartment, SHE WILL HAVE HER DRIVERS LICENSE

and she will have independence like you have never experienced.

I am amazed at her willingness to rise above the negativity to address her own short comings and to endeavor to become an amazing person against all odds including you as her sibling who is steadily challenging her in a disrespectful way

enough is enough

I see it as jealousy and that my dearest believer is a sin.

SHE BEING your SISTER is one AMAZING individual. 

If you can't see that and you don't want to see it in person that's your loss

It's in your court, quit being a nay sayer and come see your sister. She's the bomb.

and God's got her like He should. She's headed to do amazing things for HIM with or without your approval

🙂

3 classes in and she will achieve her goal of a college degree be it a Physical Therapy Assistant or a Nurse ( the two things she's said she wants)

and she will have the opportunity to spread God's love in an amazing way to people who NEED it.

You keep saying "I forgive you" like she's done something wrong.

the funny thing is I see it the other way around

you guys are driving her to tears because you refuse to encourage and support her.

It's stupid. She's made leaps and bounds since she came here in June. Shame on you all for not speaking positively about her accomplishments

You want to believe slander? So be it. I'll be the walking devil if it means that God's will is accomplished. She's going great places...... She's Amazing

I'm just the peon God chose as His pawn in her journey

you think you've got a silver pen and cute words but you have yet to say "I'm proud of you sister" you have yet to say "I trust you sister" you have yet to say "I want to see it from your perspective"...... ENOUGH is ENOUGH

If you don't have a positive word then silence your mouth and quiet your pen

standing in the way of God's will is a poor choice for a believer.

Job's friends had plenty to say

but they were all wrong

take your fear and send it back to the devil. Quit taking the words of slanders and spilling it as truth.

you want the truth come witness your sister as she makes her path in spite of the lack of support she is receiving. 

and do me a favor paste this all over send it in full to all who will listen because there is no shame in the position I hold with the Savior...... I'm His and follow Him alone and I have no need to defend my character because MY G

GOD goes before me.

Just as so many have weathered the storm of gossip and slander I am not immune to the devil but I can honestly say that he is using so many of you so instrumentally that I would wonder what in the world he hopes to accomplish

the fact that you will believe without question and in fact call your sister a liar because you refuse to believe her further indicates to me that your jealousy is what binds you. She's got this, she's going places, she a force to be reckoned with....... All because she knows the Almighty in a way that few can obtain.

You have been invited to see it from her eyes and you have continually made excuses...... it's your issues you need to wrestle with. She's working out her faith in a strong and Biblical way....... and as I said before she has weathered the storms against her with grace.

Shame on you for acting like you have some divine authority over her. That is God's space. In time you will need her forgiveness because she will remember your unwillingness to see the truth. 

Have a wonderful night. The offer is open as always but it is you who has to rise above your own assumptions and step out in faith. Your sister is miles ahead in that area...... There is no ill will between you and I but the disrespect you have levied against your sister is abhorrent. I hope that you will  begin to see the error in your way and seek her forgiveness when she is ready.

Teach My Spirit Now

VS 1
Sin and doubt has filled my head
Fear of might be ahead!
The darkness of the soul to come,
Here I forget the Battle's WON!

Oh pull me ever near
Your spirit forever hear

Bridge 1
This heart of mine yet so divine art thou
Oh pull me in, and show my heart how!
Fill my spirit with your light
And Give me the strength to fight!


VS2
This is my new season of Tests
Oh test me as you've done the rest
As darkness climbs around
You're the best that I have found.

Teach my spirit now
Oh teach my spirit how

VS 3
In the dark valley of fear
As the snake pulls me near
As the chains slip around my neck
Oh, keep my faith 'forever in check!

Teach my spirit now
Oh teach my spirit how

VS 4
I feel you're slow in the task.
Why don't you do what I ask?
As I drown beneath the waives
When my spirit begins to cave...

Teach me now
Teach me now

VS5
Where are you when I call?
Has my soul begun to fall?
Where art thou in this storm?
What else have I to learn?

Bridge 2

The army is mounting
They're getting ready
My spirit is doubting
But I'm going steady

In you
Lord, I'm steady in you.

VS6
I fear the spirit's calm
I get his healing balm
He clears the blinded eye
He prompts my soul to fly

You're healing me
You're feeling me

VS 7
Lord Guide my heart in this day
As you brighten up my darkest way
You've given me new songs
You've righted all the wrongs

Lord, I LOVE you
Lord, I love you...

VS 8
You've taken now a hold my hand
You've led me to your promised land
You've brought me new hope
As you destroyed all  the ropes

Unchanging art thou
Unchanging art thou

Bridge 3

This heart of mine yet so divine art thou
Oh pull me in, and show my heart how!
Fill my spirit with your light
And Give me the strength to fight!

Your mercy overwhelms me daily
As you teach me to trust you faithfully
In the morning light
The lily white
The darkest night
You're the holy knight

Oh Lord, how merciful art thou


--------------

This is almost in desperate need of an editor This is half free verse tosses into another end of trick. XD But it has potential. A lot of potential. 

Hope you enjoyed

VK Out

If this was my last week (Challenge)

Trigger alert: This is sad

This morning I was given the challenge to contemplate, and then write down what I would do if I knew that I had seven days, then I'd die.

I've always lived with the reminder that this could be my last day, last week, last month. So in some ways, not much would change, in others... I think I'd do things very differently.

My first reaction would probably be relief. Seven days. Seven final days then that's it? No more pain, no more sickness, nothing? No more worries about the future, what I'd eat, drink, wear, live in... Nobody can do anything else to me. Even if I knew that death was fire or the electric chair... I don't think I'd care. I'd simply be relieved that this life is finally over.

Then, I'd set to work.  I would make out a list of all the people I've been meaning to write letters to, and write them. I'd tell them about the little things I'd observed in their lives, and also stress to them just how important it is to act with wisdom in each and every day's situation. Not every child's would be the same, What I'd tell Po, would in no way match what I'd tell Star or Tadpole. But I'd sit down and make sure they were all written.

Next, I'd sit down and write my different story ideas down in a notebook with as many details as I'd want in there.

After that, I'd probably go sit on the bridge, or out in a meadow by myself and just watch the birds, and butterflies. I'd spend time taking pictures and just enjoy the fresh air.

Then, I'd go home. Blast the police's rules to the moon. I'd go home. Even if it wasn't for long, I'd take a walk to all those places I loved as a child, and at some point join my family in a pile and watch a video... don't care what. Just be together would be the only thing that was important.

I think it'd be at this point the realization that I had such short amount of time left would hit me. Really really hit me. The video would go off and I'd cry into my sister's shoulder. Probably wail. Morning at just how little I get to see them. And... how soon I'd have to say goodbye until they followed me.

That night I'd probably would write blog post, after blog post. I'd message all my friends. I'd tell them just how much each one means to me. How much they've done for me. I'd apologize to all of them for my shortcomings, and forgive them for any wrongs they'd done. I'd pray for them like I never have before that they'd come to Christ, and be with me. Because I know this is it. I'd probably pray clean into the night. Each of their needs being brought before God... I think the hardest thing for me is knowing I'll watch so many of them go to hell. I have a few Christian friends, but here, I wouldn't care if they never spoke to me again. I'd bring them the gospel with every ounce of passion I possess in my body.

At some point, I'd probably crash, the next day I'd be drained and utterly exhausted. So I'd rest. Maybe paint, or journal. But keep to myself. If I ate anything, It'd be because somebody made me.

At some point, I'd visit WR... again something I'm not allowed to do because of the county. I'd spend the day grooming horses, and just enjoying my time with them.

That night I'd have chocolate ice cream. Two no-nos in one.

In the between times of not going, I'd probably still be writing. Probably sit down and write in my journal how I'd want my funeral to go.... then, I'd call up my aunt, and ensure I had time to sit down with B, and sew with her.

I'd dance, and sing, and be myself. Wouldn't care who was watching, or what they'd thought.

But when the final night came, there would be a level of grief, and a level of joy. I can't wait to be free of my pain. I can't wait to see heaven. I can't wait to spend time with my other siblings. I'd want my baby sister there. If she could be. And in those final moments... I'd be content. Yeah, I'd not achieved all I wanted to get done in my life. But most of those things are notions, and pies in the sky I'd hurt because I wouldn't have my family anymore... but I don't anyways at the moment. So no difference.

Mostly, I'd live moment by moment. Enjoying the nature, and the people around me. Eagerly awaiting the next life. Not much different than I do already.

With having one week, and only one week with my little sister... those final two days I was with her, but it was very little in the way of projects. I just wanted her close. But the emotion kept overwhelming me so I'd go on a walk to cool off. I'd probably do the same here. Not wanting my family and friends to see just how much losing them was tearing me up.

Alright, so that was... upsetting. Honest, I did cry. It's not a pleasant thing to think about. Death is a two-edged sword. I'd probably pray that God would give me a few more months. Just so I could make sure I had everyone covered, and had time to write a few poems I've been putting off. No way I could cover everything. But if I were to be given a week... that's what I'd try to do with it.

So, to pass this challenge along. I nominate Kelcy and Erudessa, and Kendra. If you had one week to live, what would you do with that time?

Cowgirl Out

The Person I Want To Be

Looking back on yesterday
I find myself in need to pray
For I have not achieved my goals
But rather have been made the fool

At four years old my dream to fly
At eight made me wish to cry
At nine my scores made me fret
At eleven I had lost the bet

The goal at twelve to have a job
At sixteen forced my brain to blob
At eighteen to college, I wished to go
Now here at twenty, the south wind blows

So looking upon age twenty-one
I pray to God a crown is won
That my life achieves the path he's set
And his word I not forget.

Lord may I not forget to dream
As my plans are ripped at seams
At four I wished to learn to drive
But now I fear to strive.

I fear the time has set me back
But yet I know this is still a path
Oh Lord give me another dream
And dish to me Your Blessed cream.

What are my dreams I wish to know?
What makes my spirit wish to grow?
Is all life here a mere empty dish?
Or is there yet a thing to wish?

I pray today for tomorrow's girl
I pray she's your eternal pearl
I pray she's grown from today's flower
And is wholly trusting in your power.

I pray today for shattered glass
The heart I had, which crumbled fast
Fix it whole, and help it love
Wash it with your eternal blood.

Fix my vice, those little sins
Make me not to wish again
Keep me pure for my wish is this
To be a bride, and find baby's kiss

Oh I know that life's not fair
That's why I lift to you this prayer
For on my own I'll never achieve
Until it's you that I believe.

I wish to build myself a work
That brings in hungry, sick and hurt
This place will be a place for those
Whos life, a challenging pose.

A Beautique that caters to the deaf, the blind
The children who challenges find
The lights too bright, the fixtures buzz
As they loom from up above.

This a dream I see someday
And this a dream, I wish to pray
For all those people I wish to touch.
This the world you loved so much.

Give me strength each every day
As I strive to you obey
Because this dream is yet so far
Today it seems so very hard.

Another dream I have in mind
A dream I fear, lest leave behind
To build a group that teaches skills
The Artisan guilds have needs to fill

How foolish my heart to wish such things
For yet another will dash my dreams
For not a week I was out of school
Then I felt like I was a tool

Two years I've spent at duldrum's door
Lord take this thought and make it no more
This thing too, you have some plans.
That'll help me achieve, turn can't to can.

The girl I'll be tomorrow's fine
Lord help her leave this guilt behind
A week from now help her find
All that joy she left behind

A month from now help me see
All the goals I then achieved.
In six help me see the change
And keep me from Satan's frame.

In a year oh let me move
My faith with mountains prove
Let me walk with my head high
And with joy, oh make me spry.

Let me not forget to rest
So I may do my very best.
Take the pain I feel today
And let it go so far away.

Five years from now Oh let me see
The changes you have done in me
Let me be a virgin in heart.
And your word I never part

I pray for now that man of mine
Who's heart forever you will bind
Give him joy as you give me
For through his life you will lead

I pray today for my legacy
All of those who'll come after me
Set your mark upon their brow
And through life, you'll show them how

Help them daily, hope will find
'Til all life's sorrows are left behind
I pray for every breath they'll breath
And your spirit they will believe.

Lord, I pray alas for me
For how I act and what believed
Keep me from all doubt and fear
And to you oh draw me near

Lord strike my life with your hand
As you shape me by your plan
Mold my heart into your ways
That I do not fret, nor be afraid.

Help my heart to ever be
Exactly what you wish for me
Oh help me to not forget
That you are not done with me yet

--------------------------

Not one of my best poems... rough around the edges. But I feel it needed to be written. Even if it's just a landmark going forward. This week passed 2 years of having graduated from high school... I've not touched my bucket list from that day. Too busy surviving the hurricane of unfortunate events. It's frustrating I'm looking at another milestone, and I'm even farther behind from where I want to be than I was at 18.8 graduating. It's infuriating. I'm not, nor never will be a breadwinner. I simply can't keep up.

I've had half a week with my little sister. Ran me raggid, I'm so tired, but we got stuff done. Not anything off MY list. But everything off her's.

Going to sign off now

Cowgirl VK Out

What if?

This is a post I wrote up during January then after I was done didn't have time to edit and then forgot completely about it. enjoy 

Many years ago I decided to decorate my room. I wanted a cheep, easy way but something that would remind me of not only who I am, but what I want to be. A Christ-like servant.

I thought for a long time, months in fact and Christmas came. Now my mother has one of the most amazing spiritual gifts in the world. The gift of research. Now you might be thinking 'how can that be amazing?' Trust me. For one who struggles with it it is very amazing. My mother is a walking, talking encyclopedia, and it is far easier to do the research by saying 'mom I need help.' and she points out a link or three or a hundred and tells me to have fun. But one year I asked for unique Christmas songs.

Santa bring me a dinosaur, The Loneliest lonely, A song about what Reindeer do Christmas day before they pull Santa's sleigh, are some that Mom found but the one that captured me I think was titled Christmas year round  or something like that. Honestly I have never been able to get all the way through it for many reasons. One, about half way through the song it.... Lets just say I have pretty perfect pitch and There were some sour notes in there. Two because it is five and a half minuets long... and repeats itself over and over and over again.

But there is a reason why it caught my attention. During one of the verses it says

what if the seasons kept on changing 

but the kindness and, 

the goodness and, 

the feeling of rejoicing never went away at all?

What if we treat others, year round, the way we treat them during the holidays. The thought... well... startled me, surprised me, shocked me. I suppose that is what I like about music. that.... part of it that makes you stop and think. 

I listened to the first half over and over and over again during the Christmas holidays. Meanwhile trying to decide how I wanted my room, My Aunt bought my sister a package of Purple and black ornaments. My riddle was salved. 

I went to the store and while everything was fifty percent off or more I bought the Pink set, Green set, Blue set, silver set, and seven Pink and green and Purple big ornaments. I had my answer. 

My room still has the ornaments hanging from the ceiling as I go to sleep at night I gaze up at them and I remember. What if? What if I do treat others daily, year round, the way I treat them at Christmas, with love, and compassion, a servants heart. I see them every morning when I wake up and it reminds me of my goal. To be Christlike. It also reminds me of my savor's life. How he was born in a lowly stable, true it was the stable used for birthing the sacrificial sheep, but still a stable. He grew up trained in the skills of a carpenter. Left his home at thirty to serve and teach. Then finally died in our place on a wooden cross, he was buried, and then rose again the third day according to the scripture. 

What if the seasons kept changing, but our attitude towards each other stays the same year round. No, we don't have to give gifts, or buy needless objects. But strive to treat others daily the way we want to be treated. To live daily with a Christmas attitude. I don't succeed. I doubt I ever will. There will never be a time during this life in which I can, without fail live that type of life. But God is helping me achieve the goal. Each day I try, Each day I fail, Each day I am forgiven, each day I try again. 

No life isn't easy. It is almost never fair. But I have a goal. And my room reflects that. One question people ask is why is the first ornament when I come out of the restroom say Merry Christmas. Why did I put it there. It is because My life is dirty. My soul was like a dirty rag before Jesus saved me. The world was dirty like a bathroom. But... but He did come, and we celebrate it during Christmas. And year round I want to be reminded of that fact. The world is dirty without Jesus, and it will be till he returns and cleans it up. 

As I glance around my room I see elements of myself. My T-shirt quilt that I helped make, sewing desks, bed, canisters filled with the mess I don't want people to see... (as if it is all that neat at this time) But if I look up I see the ornaments and I am reminded, of who I am, and what I am to become. I am a dirty, rotten, pig-like sinner. But Christ has saved me, he has redeemed me from my sin. And cleansed my soul and written my name in the lamb's book of life. And what did I do to deserve this? Nothing... Absolutely nothing. Honestly I don't deserve it. I should still be in that pig pen but Jesus loved me, loved you, so much he came, died, and rose again the third day. And all I have to do is accept that, repent of my sin, admit that I do not deserve to go. And have (this is a hard one) have faith that he will. I will forever try to serve Jesus. I made the choice to have him be my savoir years ago, But letting him be... letting him be my LORD is a day in, day out choice. 

What if the seasons kept changing?  But we did not, nor did our attitude toward each other? 

Intro to Strong Woman? Or female Bully?

(this is on both blogs)

In working with my women characters I have realized I need to, for myself define 'What is a strong woman?'

What brought this on was Star Trek's Captain Kathryn Janeway. I am a die hard Trekkie and have watched almost ever single S.T. TV episode. While watching Voyager I was amazed by the character. Star Trek's goal was to make a political statement of 'women can lead too.' After watching the series I was still left with the nagging question of 'what is a strong woman?' and more importantly 'was she a strong WOMAN, or a strong willed person that just happened to be physically a girl. (I will delve into Janeway in a future case)

After watching the series I started pestering my mother on the 'strong woman' issue. I have just finished Door Post's  Polished Cornerstone A Proverbs 31 women curriculum for young girls. The Curriculum delves deep into all the aspects of woman hood, leadership, home making,  honesty, kindness, memorization, Joyfulness, and so forth. So I know what is expected of a woman but I wish to strengthen my skills in developing and spotting Strong Women.

Throughout history leadership has been a 'man's job' with but a few exceptions like Cleopatra, Queen Elizabith, Queen Victoria, Jezebel Ahab's wife, Abigail one of King David's many wives, Esther, Ruth, and others. But there were exceptions. What made the exceptions 'strong'?


For the next bit I will be doing a study examining famous women in history, Women I know personally like my Mother, Grandmother, An adopted Aunt of mine that happens to be a supervisor at McDonald's, and if I can My former Boss at the Equestrian Center I used to work at, as well as two or three Pastor's wives I know. Fictional women like Cinderella's stepmother,Captain Janeway,  Diana Troi from Star Trek, Maid Marian from Robin Hood, Wendy from Peter Pan, and others, and figuring out what is the definition of a strong woman, and who is a strong woman, and who is, in my oppion a bully. (this blog will have the interviews and fictional women, Making Me a servant will have the Historical Women)

Currently my hypothesis is A strong woman is a Woman that Men do not feel threatened by. They respectfully not only acknowledge the fact that the woman is skilled but yield to them the tasks that the woman is better than them in. A Strong woman does not flaunt her skill or attorney at the men or insist upon it. nor snatch it away from them she simply is. If anything the Authority she has is thrust upon her by another. Whether it is in motherhood, queen-ship like Elizabeth and Victoria, or in being a mayor like Sarah Palin, or a Captain like Janeway.

If anybody would like to join me in my mission I would enjoy the company I will probably be on this tangent for at least a year, maybe two or three There are a lot of women to cover and I doubt I can do more than two a week.

( I will set up a linkup as soon as I figure it out. Please just comment below if you do one.)