The Delema of my Blogs

Or should I say coming up with, and completing blog posts...

This past month I've been studying the great minds and worlds of thought that were advanced during the Reformation. That, of course, led to cleaning out my inbox in my email of all those... trash notifications that I've gotten over the year. Things like Google Calendar would like to inform you that it's time to wake up... dated October 22, 2015... I do hope I actually did that day it's too long ago to remember. This led to tripping over old posts, which has led to this.

The Dilemma of My blog posts

To understand my dilemma, I'd like to go over a bit of history of the blog, and how it's grown over the years.

When I started blogging, with my other one, Making Me A Servant in 2009, it was for a handful of reasons, the first was... to be cool. The cool people had blogs. (Nerds) The second reason was school related. I was learning how to write an essay and needed an audience bigger than Mom and my two siblings for that.

I should point out I had only really just captured the art of reading. My typing skills were... questionable at best. Not like today where I can cover nearly fifty-two words a minute without much thought or struggle. I type nearly as fast as I think... sometimes faster.

Kendra started about the same time as I did, and shoot, anything she could do I could do better right? *cough* I didn't do much. I tried... half-heartedly to keep up with the blog. Post here, post there, but it was a casual adventure. At that time, Most of my posts were taken down, edited, then put back up at some point or other.

This is also the year I gave up spelling tests. Guess mom considered the shame of being laughed at for my spelling was enough incentive to get past my big fat zeros I was getting on tests.

And so the years went by, I wrote, as I had ideas. But really, it quickly lost its novelty, and my motive went to 'I blog because my sister does.'

This of course came with its own bunch of problems. Honest, I was frustrated, angry, and downright reluctant to even attempt anything here, why? because to tell the truth, I was writing for comments and followers. I had maybe half a dozen followers, and she'd get a new one... frequently. Well, a lot more frequently than I was.

So I created myself a system. I had a daily goal and I'd follow the pattern. Memory Monday, Quote Me Tuesday, Wordless Wednesday, Thoughtful Thursday, Finished Friday, And Song Saturday. Each one pretty much explains itself, but I'll go over them. Mondays, I'd tell a memory. Tuesday I'd hunt down a quote, and then comment on it. Wednesday I'd share one, or more pictures I'd taken that week, Thursday I'd state something I was thankful for, Friday I'd put what I'd accomplished, and Saturday I'd write a new poem.

Talk about overwhelming.

It was a good goal, and I did manage to follow the pattern for a solid three months. Over one hundred days of blog posts six days; sometimes seven days a week. As great as it felt I burned myself out, and I was back at my starting point. To make matters worse, as I burned out, I was hearing more, and more often 'take it down, you have an error' or 'take it down, that's private information.'

Some were at this time, I started up this blog, to accompany the first. Making was supposed to be about my spiritual growth, but I was getting into poetry and writing. Those concepts just... didn't fit.

So time went on, and my frustration just kept mounting. Fed up, I tossed in the towel, But in my heart of heart... I do love writing.

So, again I morphed. Joined a fan fiction site, and started blogging over there. Nothing bad, but I needed to get away and create my voice away from my sister's friends, and my mother's influence. I needed to become ME. When people ask, I say that was my rebellious stage. Any posts I was particularly proud of, I'd bring over here and share as well. You'll notice those because they tend to have an outline from the transfer. Or weird little emojis.

That being said, Kendra still kept an eye on everything I posted, everything I shared, and when I stepped over a line... she let me know. But shoot, what are sisters for? I still didn't like it, but I was away from the people who knew me, and able to try different things without someone at church going. "Oh, so I read your blog post..."

I was studying a lot of strange topics, Like personality types, how the DISC system worked, What are personality functions. How does color affect our moods and emotions... Among other topics. And, I grew a following! For the first time ever, my stuff was being seen, and that gave me the motivation to keep going. People kept asking questions, and I kept studying. I was asked to join a reviewers community, I started doing voice work for animators, I led an art group, we did a dramatic reading together of a story we all enjoyed. I was discovering myself.

*Cue the crashing car*

All good things must come to an end. I was one of a handful of Christians in a heavily Left-wing world. With my beliefs, and my stands, as well as my following, I was getting noticed by the trolls. On top of that, my health was suffering, graduation had just happened, and my editor walked out; and to in case my month couldn't get any worse, a local friend stabbed me in the back... almost literally

So I quit. I quit everything. Pulled out, and just walked away. I had to. My heart was in a million pieces. I wasn't going to bend to the left and their regime, and I wasn't about to let anyone tell me what I could, and couldn't do. Especially not a troll online, or a friend I'd not spoken to in months. I do, after all, sing my own song.

I remember very little about the following months. I discovered gaming and fell in. I said I was learning about action sequences. Maybe so. Maybe, in the beginning, it was about noticing the finer details of the action in writing. But if I was honest, I was just trying to kill time. Kill the time I'd previously spent in all those projects, and with all my friends. From time to time, inspiration would strike and I'd start something, or write something short. But it wasn't very often, and it wasn't very deep. I turned to art when I wasn't gaming or cleaning.

I won't say what changed. But it's been a very dark couple of years. Just one thing after another. I feel I'm stronger for it, Learned how to journal, how to express myself for myself.

But where am I going from here? What is my dilemma? Very simply, I refuse to stick with a mold. If I'm part of an art group, I write poetry for birthday presents. If I'm part of a poetry group, I paint them pictures... just whatever everyone else is not doing, that's the part of myself that needs to speak.

I named this blog I'm Singing my Own Song because I do. I'd rather walk alone than fit a mold. I don't NEED people to be happy, or fulfilled. There's works of thought, the beauty of nature, places to see, books to read, paintings to paint; stories to write; music to create. I have a song, and I must sing it!

But it comes with a dilemma. I know what gets comments. But if I stick with just those posts, it's like using only one puppet in a puppet show when you have so many more to choose from. If I stick with just one, I feel like I'm repeating myself. But on the flip side, I've been hurt. I've been hurt badly and there's so much more to myself that I can't let out yet.

So where am I going? I don't know. My goal of blogging is to educate, to express myself, and to lift up other's spirits'. I don't know where that endeavor is going to take me. This blog doesn't have the same viewing my fan blog did. It doesn't have the same followers. I don't' even know if at this point in my life I have the time to put in that kind of effort to grow this to that.

Do I want to re-start that blog? Not really. I still have people I talk to from time to time, but I'm pretty sure that stage of my life is complete. That blog's goal was to help me find my voice, and the types of blog posts I'd enjoy writing.

Might still pop in from time to time, I do still have a ton of stories I really should finish before I take that next step into my own writing. Finish up with my voice, complete those endeavors. 

I've considered many paths forward for my blogging. My first is to study the great minds, and eras and doing posts about the heroes, and the women in their lives... But I don't think this blog's name is all that conducive to those kinds of posts. Despite the fact, women leaders in history, and their reputation has been a favorite topic of mine for years.

I've considered sitting down with the knowledge I have now of personality types, and colors... and people in general and doing posts. But I'm not sure I'm quite ready to do that either. Honest, I've already done that once. If someone wants to ask me a question on that... I'd be happy to do a post. Biblical Counseling is the degree I want, that involves having a deep understanding of the way people tick.

I know I'll continue to do posts about my imaginary worlds, and encounters with my different imaginary friends. As well as maybe a few of my more interesting dreams that could turn into story ideas someday. My art and my photography have always been a part of this blog, and it always will be. (Reminds me that probably will be the next post.) You can find my photography on Instagram.

That being said, I don't know how many times I've started a post just to close it and leave it in drafts. Some of them, I had a concept, but the post just didn't' feel right. Other times... It felt repetitive. This is, in essence, my dilemma.

Blogging is a beautiful creation of the free will and mental exercise. A freedom that our ancestors have not been able to experience. Their writing being forced to go through filters of government before anyone had the opportunity to see or read. A blessing that I wouldn't' give up for the world. I may change where I blog, but I'll never quit blogging.

And perhaps, just perhaps, being a small time blogger... isn't so bad after all.

VK out