Slowly I make my way into the Library of Ooladada, collapsing into a private study nook onto a giant stack of pillows. I'd call it a mountain, but since Ooladada really did have a pillow mountain, this is a molehill.
I'm rambling. I knew I was rambling... know? I am... I grumble again at nothing more than my stupid self.
"Two Weeks! Are you ever going to talk to me again?" I say up into the rafters. The room is silent, deadly silent. I sigh, curling up into a ball. "Why have you left me? Why... why are you silent? What have I done that you've stopped talking to me?"
Still, the room is silent. The walls still lined with books, the lone table also as if the previous pupal had meant to come back, but hadn't yet.
"Where is Writus when you need him?" I grumble to myself. The Giver is silent, the Guardians are silent, the keepers are silent!" I suddenly stand throwing a pillow across the room.
Immediately, I regret it. "Oh, Father... what am I doing?" The silence continues to be deafening, clenching my eyes tight shut I want to scream, yell, shout... something. Anything? For a moment, I am tempted to bring one of my characters in... maybe Steady Wing... I reject the idea almost as fast as it had been brought to mind.
So we sit in silence. A clock ticks. A fan turns on. A lone beetle crawls over a page.
"I used to wonder how I could live without my vices... ya' know... I kept running from you in order to fill myself with them." I pause to contemplate. "But.... after these past two weeks... Father, I'm sick of this! I hate this silence. Even with my vices... they make me just feel ick. You, I felt known, pure.... perfect. Like nothing here really mattered. I... Father... I miss that peace. I have never ached for something like this before in my life. Driven... tied... greed... hunger.... but in it, I always am looking for that next high. If it's the reading of a sad book... or eating way too much sugar. I'm always just looking for that next... thing. With that- closeness. Abba I want that! I want that back so badly! Where are you?"
I nearly burst into tears. The room feels all the more still, silent... empty. "Where are you?"
"Oh child, my child.... why do you torment yourself so much?" I could feel the voice, but... no. it was in the same room.
"Abba?"
"When you are weak, then I make you strong, when you are down, then I lift you up. When times get hardest, that's when I speak loudest."
"I'm not home yet!" I nearly yell. "Why did you forsake me for those two weeks?"
Again he's quiet, but I feel driven to look at the book on the table. Picking up, I realize it's my journal. I am almost angry, but God's God, and this is in his library. He must have set this up beforehand. As I pick it up, it turns to a page almost on its own...
"March 6th... Another day of Blessings...
Wow Lord, Just... wow..."
I'm instantly humbled, as my eyes glaze over what I had written. It was a day of provision. Of blessing... of opportunity to do something great. Something I had almost not done because I hate talking to people. But it turned out to be such a day of blessing.
"It is progress, a new house, and blessings will be coming out our ears. Lord, Thank you for giving me your Song." Matt, 22:37-39. Jesus said to him, You shall Love the LORD your God with all your heart, soul, and mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it, you shall love your neighbor as yourself."
I close the book, biting my lip. "Abba?"
"Do you not understand?"
"No..." I admit. "This is all just.... Blast... Forget it.... Thanks for letting me be with my sister for an extra two days."
"Child... come here." For the first time in two weeks, my eyes fall upon him. "Oh, Abba!" My feet carry me to him, breaking down in tears. "I'm tired of being alone!
"Shhh child," For a while, he lets me just cry into his shoulder.
Finally my tears slow down. I still ache, probably will break down again. But for the moment, I'm done. For even longer, he just holds me, letting me feel his strength and protection.
"What is your favorite verse." He asks me.
"There are a lot of good ones," I admit
Instantly, I could feel his disappointment.
"I will cover you with my feathers, I will shelter you with my wings, my promises are your armor of protection.
"He who keeps Israel doesn't slumber nor does he sleep.
"The Lord is my light and my Salvation, whom shall I fear, the Lord is the strength of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?"
"When was the last time you read my words?"
"This afternoon."
"That's a lie child. The truth."
I bit my lip thinking. "Well, I listened to Carmon this afternoon... kinda... yesterday in church a bit."
"Not for church, for yourself?"
"I was reading Jerimiah..." I admit. "Before that Ezekiel... some out of Daniel..."
"Very good child, that's better. When was the last time you picked it up?"
"Probably last Tuesday..."
"So a week..." He asked me. It wasn't condescending, just stating a fact. But I felt like the biggest failure.
"V... why are you down? Why do you cower in shame."
"I should be reading daily. Especially while I had my sister. I missed an opportunity to show real Christianity."
He shook his head. "I am disappointed you didn't pick it up and read it. You ask me why I was silent. Child, I keep telling you that I gave you books, I put it in a recording so you could listen to it on your time.... that is my main communication."
"Yeah, I know I'm daft, you don't have to say it in as many words."
"If you are reading your Bible only for your sister to see you doing it, I will not speak to you through it. You have your reward."
I freeze, my mouth agape. "Wait... what?"
"Your reading is for you. I will work in Sunshine's life on her speed. I'm not worried about her right here, right now. There, with her, I'm concerned, so don't take that the wrong way."
I nearly giggle, but I knew it needed saying.
"Child, I'm always with you."
"I know..." I admit.
"Up there you do, how about down here? Where have I been? Right there. I was there when you struggled the worst. You could have asked for deliverance instead of falling prey to the need for one more chapter..."
"I... wanted out," I admitted.
"Did you?"
"Some part did."
He nodded. "You're still fighting the battle of your fleshly desires. You've allowed yourself to fall into quite the pit. I'm proud of you for wanting to come out, to follow and dump those little bits at a time..."
"There's this song I remember hearing once... where you walk through a house examining how clean it is... but then reach the closet and it's a mess... and the owner has to actually let you clean out the closet... It's a Bluegrass song... why can't I find it?"
He smiles, "You will, when the time is right."
I sigh. "Why did you ignore me for two weeks, why didn't you answer as quickly, why didn't you seek me out this time?"
Abba's eyes sparkle. "Oh child, think about it? Ignore you? No, I was busy letting you feel that emptiness. You needed to feel the difference. You want me now more than ever."
I giggle at where my mind went. Romanticly... Now I'm blushing.
"That's exactly what I'm talking about. I want to have an instant relationship with you. But that only works if it's two way. You have to want me back. You have to seek me back. But... as you've been learning with the animal class you're taking, that's part of pressure and release. I made you look at me, didn't give you rest until you did, now, I'm drawing you closer to me."
"Yeah..." I have nothing really more to say about this. He's right. It's a horse gentling technique. There are faster ways to train a horse, but the best way is through this simple method. Cut off the driveline, then use pressure release to get the horse to obey. Constant pressure will make the horse freak out, too much distance and the horse will do it's own thing. But with the combonation, it draws the horse to want to come. Want to be petted, then accepting of the lead rope.
"Very good."
with a sigh, I lean into him. "I'm so tired."
"I know."
"I do appreciate being with my sister for two extra days. It was hard letting her go."
"I'm preparing a place for you. Child. Patience."
"I dont' see it! I just dont' see it."
"I have given you all the proof you need. Do you see me?"
"Well, I can hear, feel-"
"I'm here."
"yes... You are here, here with me."
"I am here, and I have promised you a home. Trust me on this. Now... sleep, child."
"Will I get to be with my angel again? Will he come see me again?"
The Giver smiles down at me, brushing a stray hair from my face. "Oh child, my dear child. Am I not enough for you?"
"Yes... but..."
"But feel my presence, I've got you, under my feathers. And when I'm silent, then maybe you need to read."
"I'll try Abba."
"Oh my child, if only you were stronger. But I will walk 500 miles, then I will walk 500 more just to be that man who walks a thousand miles just to stand outside your door."
As his voice fades, I find myself basking in the peace, and the silence of the room, collapsing into the great pillow pile.
"If I'm not strong enough to be what it is you need me to be Lord... Give me your strength to handle it."
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AN: Disclaimer. OOLADADA IS PARTLY IMAGINATION. It's a fictionalized rendition of my spiritual arguments. Few months back I felt challenged to talk to God on the same level as I would my imaginary friends... Since I treat them as real, and legit... and God as this thing that you talk to... Real but, so far above us that you tiptoe... well I felt the need to try this. So, the situation is real, God is real, half what he says is what I hear... but the place, and sights... stuff like that is kinda a mix of imagination and interpretation. My understanding of spiritual stuff.
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed.
Cowgirl VK out.
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