I Think Again

I think again of yester’ year 

I think of what I had and feared 

I miss the ease I had back then

How easy it was to strive and win

I miss the house my little room

I miss the joys ended too soon

I miss the family miss the friends 

But all things must come to an end 

I walk this hall one last time

Before it crumbles down fine
The smell is such I cannot abide 

And so my emotions again ride

I hate this house and all it’s rooms 

It’s events are nothing but tombs

The fun between hunger and fear

God’s assurance oh so near

I hate that kitchen oh so small 

It ceiling low, not very tall

No room to work within the walls

And pest control needed a call

The living room so full of junk

No space for life I often thunk

My home indeed so very small

But I miss the house where I grew tall

My room indeed had not a door 

It fell on me as it broke before 

The vent as well was not well 

My child hood home a living hell

The life I had was never fine

The food simple of which we dined

The work was constant without doubt 

To my room I often would pout 

The sands of time cover the past
The sorrow now will not last
I miss it only cuz life’s so hard 
The grass was greener little card

I miss my home I had back then
My spirit’s want can never win
I must press on to better days
Not be trapped in my yester ways

And so I walk this hall once more 
Forsake my wants and close the door 
I will smile at a brighter day
As I forge my trail in a new way

Good ol' Days

I'm looking back on the good ol' days
The fun the had the fun was made
The times a joy the times we hurt
I'm looking back on the good ol' days

I'm building my brand new day
Pulling out weeds and hoping they'll stay
Building myself from what was left
I'm building my brand new day.

These are still good ol' days.
Despite what I miss in the maze.
The fun I had while just a kid.
These are still good ol' days.

I can't judge what's coming next
I hope to meet the guy that's best.
I'm struggling through doubt and fear.
I can't judge what's coming next.

I'll look back and call this good ol' days
Things I've done the errors made
I'm struggling through oh so much
These are still good ol' days.

Update Sept 2019

I'm trying to figure out how to start this. I need to give you guys an update but honest I am not feeling much of anything right now. Honest, I'M BORED! And that's 90% of my problem. LOL

So I've been up to MANY things. Especially school. I've been working through two classes and MATH. Which I've never really been good at. There is just so much I missed growing up. I'm hoping to pass the test this week and have it done and over with.

Been working through Khan's academe and IXL to help with my math.

Starting next Monday, I'll be taking a CNA (Certified Nurses' assistant) Class to help get me into the medical field.

I hope my dead boredom gets fixed by then. This is RIDICULOUS.

School... music... Music I'm not really doing much. I wrote another poem not long ago, but it may be a while before I publish it. It's not done.

Art. I'm decorating pop sockets. And working on a color by number.

Still house cleaning. Not babysitting much. Simply school is the priority and it doesn't leave much time for playing. (Amongst other things that I don't want to talk about)

Speaking of playing, that's one thing I don't do as much. I want to. But haven't had time. Maybe after I read my textbook for an hour tonight I can pull something out. Not sure if I want to or not.

Writing. I'm laughing that I even thought of it to comment on. I've done a few poems. but haven't done much writing in general.

Pray I stay focused and sane as I try to move forward in life.

Lauren's open response to Kendra

This letter has nothing to do with my proposed decision to be adopted. (Which has not taken place yet! It's simply a discussion.) This simply has to do with everyone's refusing to acknowledge my autonomy as an adult.  

_____________________________________________

Kendra, this is Lauren  🙂

 I'm sitting down at Vannan's computer because frankly you know nothing of me.

you are judging her on slander that you have heard without merit

you've Been invited by your sister and you are constantly discrediting

her AMAZING progress

from depression to joy, from distrust to strength ALL POWERED by the ALMIGHTY

I am not the reason she has finally embraced her womanhood, I am just an avenue that God chose

I'm honored to be on this journey with your sister

I have seen the level of disrespect you guys have leveled against her and she has weathered it with grace

I'm disappointed that so many people have chosen to accept slander as truth and discredit Vannan in her accomplishments

it is unbiblical to spit slander and refuse to view for yourself.

You can answer all the sing song silliness you will

but without seeing for yourself without rejoicing with your sister in her accomplishments you are disrespecting the Almighty

in such a way that you might question your intent

Do you not want your sister to succeed? 

Do you not value her ambition?

 Do you not care that she is developing Autonomy in a way that is AMAZING and Godly?

There have been times that we have sat in many discussions where she has sharpened my wisdom in her insight

she is to be cherished and valued

not discredited

I am disgusted at how you have disvalues her how you have chosen to accept lies and to speak disrespect and slander without hesitation

She has been progressing in a way that makes me think that after about 6 months she will be able to obtain her own apartment, SHE WILL HAVE HER DRIVERS LICENSE

and she will have independence like you have never experienced.

I am amazed at her willingness to rise above the negativity to address her own short comings and to endeavor to become an amazing person against all odds including you as her sibling who is steadily challenging her in a disrespectful way

enough is enough

I see it as jealousy and that my dearest believer is a sin.

SHE BEING your SISTER is one AMAZING individual. 

If you can't see that and you don't want to see it in person that's your loss

It's in your court, quit being a nay sayer and come see your sister. She's the bomb.

and God's got her like He should. She's headed to do amazing things for HIM with or without your approval

🙂

3 classes in and she will achieve her goal of a college degree be it a Physical Therapy Assistant or a Nurse ( the two things she's said she wants)

and she will have the opportunity to spread God's love in an amazing way to people who NEED it.

You keep saying "I forgive you" like she's done something wrong.

the funny thing is I see it the other way around

you guys are driving her to tears because you refuse to encourage and support her.

It's stupid. She's made leaps and bounds since she came here in June. Shame on you all for not speaking positively about her accomplishments

You want to believe slander? So be it. I'll be the walking devil if it means that God's will is accomplished. She's going great places...... She's Amazing

I'm just the peon God chose as His pawn in her journey

you think you've got a silver pen and cute words but you have yet to say "I'm proud of you sister" you have yet to say "I trust you sister" you have yet to say "I want to see it from your perspective"...... ENOUGH is ENOUGH

If you don't have a positive word then silence your mouth and quiet your pen

standing in the way of God's will is a poor choice for a believer.

Job's friends had plenty to say

but they were all wrong

take your fear and send it back to the devil. Quit taking the words of slanders and spilling it as truth.

you want the truth come witness your sister as she makes her path in spite of the lack of support she is receiving. 

and do me a favor paste this all over send it in full to all who will listen because there is no shame in the position I hold with the Savior...... I'm His and follow Him alone and I have no need to defend my character because MY G

GOD goes before me.

Just as so many have weathered the storm of gossip and slander I am not immune to the devil but I can honestly say that he is using so many of you so instrumentally that I would wonder what in the world he hopes to accomplish

the fact that you will believe without question and in fact call your sister a liar because you refuse to believe her further indicates to me that your jealousy is what binds you. She's got this, she's going places, she a force to be reckoned with....... All because she knows the Almighty in a way that few can obtain.

You have been invited to see it from her eyes and you have continually made excuses...... it's your issues you need to wrestle with. She's working out her faith in a strong and Biblical way....... and as I said before she has weathered the storms against her with grace.

Shame on you for acting like you have some divine authority over her. That is God's space. In time you will need her forgiveness because she will remember your unwillingness to see the truth. 

Have a wonderful night. The offer is open as always but it is you who has to rise above your own assumptions and step out in faith. Your sister is miles ahead in that area...... There is no ill will between you and I but the disrespect you have levied against your sister is abhorrent. I hope that you will  begin to see the error in your way and seek her forgiveness when she is ready.

Peace

"Shouldn't you be asleep right now?" 

I sit in the green grass of Giver Hill looking out over the great world of possibilities. I glance over at the Giver with a slight half smile. "I should, either that or studying. I shouldn't be writing." 

"Then why do you persist my child?" He sits down beside me looking over the landscape with me. 

"Do you love me?" I ask. 

"Yes Loralye, I love you. I've given you a new name, now endure."

"I'm not sure I like being called a Temptress." I state with a slight frown. 

"The temptress who sings upon stones." he corrects me. "Stop and think child, is that not what you do? Do you not in the face of satan's attacks turn your face to the sea and sing? Do you not count every battle as a victory in the midst of the fight as I've taught you to do." 

"When you spoke to Kendra..." 

"I've yet to speak with your sister, she has no peace because she does not ask for peace. She is determined to fight. I'm not in the mountain, or the storm, or the battle... I'm in the silence of the wind. She spoke to Rage and Fear... I do not give a spirit of Fear, but of power, and love, and a sound mind." 

"Why do they abandon me?" I look up at him for the first time since our conversation began, he's comforting to me to look at. I know him, and he me. 

"Child, they are afraid. It is easier to believe lies than the truth. Believe child I am working in their hearts. I'm proud of you. Even in this, you've sung on the rocks. I heard you today." 

"You gave the songs Abba. Thanks by the way you always know what I need." Tears form in my eyes as I smile up at him. "And thanks for turning off my phone. I needed that. Better than locking my phone in the box until tests are done." 

"You were being irresponsible with it. I'm still your father, and you still are my child. I will rebuke you and chase after you as long as you need it." 

"How... how do I know I'm where I'm supposed to be?"

"Why did I tell you to come here?" 

I pause frowning. "For healing." 

He nods at me. "Yes, yes that's why I told you to come. What were your signs?" 

"You gave me several. The date, First time around the lake was with my brother, second we would go backwards, third we'd consider going around twice. Then a sit-down restaurant to celebrate your provision before it would be granted. The second sign was dogs under a Library's counter. Fourth white rats, fifth a boys bathroom with no door. Visiting Cousin Ten... Bass Pro Shop... what else?"

"Did these come to pass?" 

"Every sign you've given me has come to pass. I've never been wrong. Was... that person my family that I offered myself to and they refused?"

"Yes." 

"Will they return to me?" 

"When the time is right. You've got much to learn. You've developed beautifully, but even this isn't enough. You will go through more. You're not perfect, but I'm so proud of you." 

"Abba, I've got so much more to do before my assignments are due Monday, then the finals! I'm... I can't-"

"Child! How little you know! How little you believe. Do the things you know to do! Don't be overwhelmed. Sing child, sing upon your rocks. Rocks can be hardship, but they are also a firm foundation. They are stable and they won't be moved." 

I look out over the land noticing many things that I'd normally ignore. "Will you speak to them?" 

"Where do you end and they begin? Boundaries child. I'm to worry about that. You do what you know you're supposed to do. Let me handle the rest. You've reached out, you've spoken truth. You've acted not in secret... besides, you've done nothing yet. You know what you want, you've talked to professionals. Child, you know this is right. Their gossip and bad attitudes I'll handle. If not in this life, the next. Besides, you get a crown for persecution remember. I left my family, remember." 

"I remember. What about Kendra and I needing to work together?" 

"You're grown! As children, yes. I gave you to each other to challenge and grow off one another. Now, I'm pulling you out to continue growing, to continue expanding. Loralye! You've not had her for two years. And yet, you've grown and matured. You've done many things for my kingdom, and I'm proud of you. But I call you to the world to minister. I need you to be able to blend in. Learn my words, trust my rules, and believe my teachings. What's your favorite psalm?" 

"Psalm 27." I reply instantly, the music running through my head. "Though my Father and Mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me." 

"Am I not? You can only control you. You're headstrong enough to break out of anything if you want to. Even a gilded cage. if you were in distress, I would remove you. I've set you with my servant, one I've trained to train you. I told you to trust her, I told you to trust people. Trust and believe." 

"Please Lord, let them visit me. Let them come see. Lead them to me to test the lies of Satan to challenge my words, let them act on your spirit's guiding. Lord, allow me to be gracious and Loving in all things. Abba, Let it be, let them see, and guide us into a brighter future."

"As if the battle's been won." 

"Abba, what's time for you, what's paper to you. Are these not man's inventions?" 

"I made time child... but my was are not another's ways. Trust me on that. Believe me on that. You're beautiful, strong, and you trust me. Even if life here is hard, there is a reward in heaven for you. Just... get out of the fiction and games child, you're not helping yourself. GO TO BED." 

"I believe I can now Abba. How do I know these are your words?" 

A sense of disappointment fills me. "I speak the words I've spoken. You hear the words I intend. I guide your heart and you listen, You wish to be my friend. My child you want to listen. You wish to do my will. You recognize fear and contentment, you know and allow your heart to still"

Here I notice his absence, the voice is gone. It was so strong... I obey and turn to leave returning to my bed in order to have the best day possible in aproxemently four hours. 

Turmoil of the Soul

"ABBA!" My heart is almost breaking as I finally slow down enough to sit down and talk. Of course he's here, I had not needed to shout. I never need to shout.

"Yes my child?"

"Is this of you." I bite my lip trying to still the storm of thoughts and emotions that rage through me. "Look, I can't choose. I can't make this choice if I don't know it's of you!"

"My child, oh my child how you torment yourself! What have I said? Tell me, what is it that has burdened your spirit so?"

"Lord, you know all things, you know what it is that is the desire of my heart... you also know the fears that plague me."

"Have I not asked for confession?" His eyes are so sincere as he sets himself beside me on the grass. "Speak child."

"I have been given an offer that from all angles I see only blessing and prosperity. I see it as an answer to a mystery hidden to me, and also to be your will. I fear my family. I fear the choice and the parts of it I can't see. I could make it, I could just do it without asking, but... Abba, If it is your will, should I not trust that you've spoken to their hearts as well on this matter?"

"What did I not say to the rich young ruler?" His eyes bore through me. I'm still trying to gather myself after my near panic attack. I still can't beliv-

"Write child."

"You told him to leave his father and mother, sell everything he had and follow you." I'm not looking at him as I say these words.

"Is stuff not you depending on your own understanding? Is it not holding onto the flesh? My child, I have a plan for you even in this."

"Why I've chosen to write My'lord. I need to sort these thoughts, go through what I know. Abba! I need council in this."

"Who are you?"

"I am hope. I am the one who you've set your mark upon. Abba, every moment you've guided. I'm an legal adult, but a failure of a human being-"

"I choose the weak of this world to confound the wise. I chose you. Not just at birth, I chose you when you were not yet a thought upon your parent's minds. Before you sparked a light within your mother I chose you. I guided your parts together and willed you to live. You are the one I lent to your parents. You were not asked for. You are the seventh of your generation. You are my chosen lamb."

"No offense, but I kinda feel like a escape goat."

"You have not failed my child. You are exactly where I want you to be. You stumble. You may always stumble but you have not fallen. You are loved so much. When you gave yourself to me, did that make you any less your parent's? Or were you just giving yourself willingly to I who've chosen you from the beginning?"

"Abba... here is my strife. For three years I've wandred as the enemy has wished for my soul. You've chosen me for a mission, and I always believed this mission is going to be hard. Forget hard, this mission is going to take every breath I breath, ever fiber of my mind, body, and soul to accomplish. I don't know what it is... but the past three years has shown me Mom and Dad... they aren't ready yet. At the same time, neither am I. As it has been, I shall be innocent. Your lamb before the slaughter. I wish with all my heart and soul to protect them from the burden of my mission. I don't think we have much longer. Abba, I don't know when the ax is to fall and I find myself in my mission, but I don't have much time." I pause to look up at him. "Am I crazy? Abba, am I just a mad fool rushing in where Angels dread not tread?"

"Who speaks? Is it this spirit of fear I have not given you? Be gone!" His eyes bore through me. I feel calmer. "My wrath can wait another day. I will use not just you, but many others. I qualify the called... Have you not grown where I've planted you?"

"There Abba is my strife. I have grown, but I love my family. All of my family even the ones I find it hard to forgive. They are who I've known for so long. This place is new, but I am offered adoption. It will give me so much. I will have access to the medical care I need. It will put a block in anyone's desire to strike at my family while places individuals who will help me achieve the goals you need me for. I am not ashamed of where I came from. But I fear they will see my desire to follow you as abandoning them. Abba! How can I choose between them? How can I be expected to leave my family even if it is what's best for us all. New name, new identity, a chance to leave my lesser self behind. A chance to be dedicated completely to your work. Abba! I don't want to leave them behind!"

"State the law. You read it."

"I forget the exact words, but adoption here for an adult is very simple. I alone make that choice for me. The only down side is the legal system will no longer give me a portion of any inheritance  from my biological family unless they form a will writing me in. I gain so much, I loose so little. Abba, can I not have both a biological family and a legal one?"

"Hope you are no longer, my child I shall call you from now on Victory. Laura LaVannan, step forward, it is my will, and I shall move in the hearts of those you fear and let them see what I've already stated. I gave you to your mother to raise, you were not hers, you were never hers. You've always been mine first. Fear not the flesh, and allow your spirit to be strengthened on my promises. You've not acted in secret, nor do you ask permission. You do not act in haste. Now, go get your goat and sleep."

I smile with a nod, hugging him tightly around his shoulders. "Abba, how could I be so lucky?"

"Luck has nothing to do with it, you are because I will it."