Lauren's open response to Kendra

This letter has nothing to do with my proposed decision to be adopted. (Which has not taken place yet! It's simply a discussion.) This simply has to do with everyone's refusing to acknowledge my autonomy as an adult.  

_____________________________________________

Kendra, this is Lauren  🙂

 I'm sitting down at Vannan's computer because frankly you know nothing of me.

you are judging her on slander that you have heard without merit

you've Been invited by your sister and you are constantly discrediting

her AMAZING progress

from depression to joy, from distrust to strength ALL POWERED by the ALMIGHTY

I am not the reason she has finally embraced her womanhood, I am just an avenue that God chose

I'm honored to be on this journey with your sister

I have seen the level of disrespect you guys have leveled against her and she has weathered it with grace

I'm disappointed that so many people have chosen to accept slander as truth and discredit Vannan in her accomplishments

it is unbiblical to spit slander and refuse to view for yourself.

You can answer all the sing song silliness you will

but without seeing for yourself without rejoicing with your sister in her accomplishments you are disrespecting the Almighty

in such a way that you might question your intent

Do you not want your sister to succeed? 

Do you not value her ambition?

 Do you not care that she is developing Autonomy in a way that is AMAZING and Godly?

There have been times that we have sat in many discussions where she has sharpened my wisdom in her insight

she is to be cherished and valued

not discredited

I am disgusted at how you have disvalues her how you have chosen to accept lies and to speak disrespect and slander without hesitation

She has been progressing in a way that makes me think that after about 6 months she will be able to obtain her own apartment, SHE WILL HAVE HER DRIVERS LICENSE

and she will have independence like you have never experienced.

I am amazed at her willingness to rise above the negativity to address her own short comings and to endeavor to become an amazing person against all odds including you as her sibling who is steadily challenging her in a disrespectful way

enough is enough

I see it as jealousy and that my dearest believer is a sin.

SHE BEING your SISTER is one AMAZING individual. 

If you can't see that and you don't want to see it in person that's your loss

It's in your court, quit being a nay sayer and come see your sister. She's the bomb.

and God's got her like He should. She's headed to do amazing things for HIM with or without your approval

🙂

3 classes in and she will achieve her goal of a college degree be it a Physical Therapy Assistant or a Nurse ( the two things she's said she wants)

and she will have the opportunity to spread God's love in an amazing way to people who NEED it.

You keep saying "I forgive you" like she's done something wrong.

the funny thing is I see it the other way around

you guys are driving her to tears because you refuse to encourage and support her.

It's stupid. She's made leaps and bounds since she came here in June. Shame on you all for not speaking positively about her accomplishments

You want to believe slander? So be it. I'll be the walking devil if it means that God's will is accomplished. She's going great places...... She's Amazing

I'm just the peon God chose as His pawn in her journey

you think you've got a silver pen and cute words but you have yet to say "I'm proud of you sister" you have yet to say "I trust you sister" you have yet to say "I want to see it from your perspective"...... ENOUGH is ENOUGH

If you don't have a positive word then silence your mouth and quiet your pen

standing in the way of God's will is a poor choice for a believer.

Job's friends had plenty to say

but they were all wrong

take your fear and send it back to the devil. Quit taking the words of slanders and spilling it as truth.

you want the truth come witness your sister as she makes her path in spite of the lack of support she is receiving. 

and do me a favor paste this all over send it in full to all who will listen because there is no shame in the position I hold with the Savior...... I'm His and follow Him alone and I have no need to defend my character because MY G

GOD goes before me.

Just as so many have weathered the storm of gossip and slander I am not immune to the devil but I can honestly say that he is using so many of you so instrumentally that I would wonder what in the world he hopes to accomplish

the fact that you will believe without question and in fact call your sister a liar because you refuse to believe her further indicates to me that your jealousy is what binds you. She's got this, she's going places, she a force to be reckoned with....... All because she knows the Almighty in a way that few can obtain.

You have been invited to see it from her eyes and you have continually made excuses...... it's your issues you need to wrestle with. She's working out her faith in a strong and Biblical way....... and as I said before she has weathered the storms against her with grace.

Shame on you for acting like you have some divine authority over her. That is God's space. In time you will need her forgiveness because she will remember your unwillingness to see the truth. 

Have a wonderful night. The offer is open as always but it is you who has to rise above your own assumptions and step out in faith. Your sister is miles ahead in that area...... There is no ill will between you and I but the disrespect you have levied against your sister is abhorrent. I hope that you will  begin to see the error in your way and seek her forgiveness when she is ready.

The Person I Want To Be

Looking back on yesterday
I find myself in need to pray
For I have not achieved my goals
But rather have been made the fool

At four years old my dream to fly
At eight made me wish to cry
At nine my scores made me fret
At eleven I had lost the bet

The goal at twelve to have a job
At sixteen forced my brain to blob
At eighteen to college, I wished to go
Now here at twenty, the south wind blows

So looking upon age twenty-one
I pray to God a crown is won
That my life achieves the path he's set
And his word I not forget.

Lord may I not forget to dream
As my plans are ripped at seams
At four I wished to learn to drive
But now I fear to strive.

I fear the time has set me back
But yet I know this is still a path
Oh Lord give me another dream
And dish to me Your Blessed cream.

What are my dreams I wish to know?
What makes my spirit wish to grow?
Is all life here a mere empty dish?
Or is there yet a thing to wish?

I pray today for tomorrow's girl
I pray she's your eternal pearl
I pray she's grown from today's flower
And is wholly trusting in your power.

I pray today for shattered glass
The heart I had, which crumbled fast
Fix it whole, and help it love
Wash it with your eternal blood.

Fix my vice, those little sins
Make me not to wish again
Keep me pure for my wish is this
To be a bride, and find baby's kiss

Oh I know that life's not fair
That's why I lift to you this prayer
For on my own I'll never achieve
Until it's you that I believe.

I wish to build myself a work
That brings in hungry, sick and hurt
This place will be a place for those
Whos life, a challenging pose.

A Beautique that caters to the deaf, the blind
The children who challenges find
The lights too bright, the fixtures buzz
As they loom from up above.

This a dream I see someday
And this a dream, I wish to pray
For all those people I wish to touch.
This the world you loved so much.

Give me strength each every day
As I strive to you obey
Because this dream is yet so far
Today it seems so very hard.

Another dream I have in mind
A dream I fear, lest leave behind
To build a group that teaches skills
The Artisan guilds have needs to fill

How foolish my heart to wish such things
For yet another will dash my dreams
For not a week I was out of school
Then I felt like I was a tool

Two years I've spent at duldrum's door
Lord take this thought and make it no more
This thing too, you have some plans.
That'll help me achieve, turn can't to can.

The girl I'll be tomorrow's fine
Lord help her leave this guilt behind
A week from now help her find
All that joy she left behind

A month from now help me see
All the goals I then achieved.
In six help me see the change
And keep me from Satan's frame.

In a year oh let me move
My faith with mountains prove
Let me walk with my head high
And with joy, oh make me spry.

Let me not forget to rest
So I may do my very best.
Take the pain I feel today
And let it go so far away.

Five years from now Oh let me see
The changes you have done in me
Let me be a virgin in heart.
And your word I never part

I pray for now that man of mine
Who's heart forever you will bind
Give him joy as you give me
For through his life you will lead

I pray today for my legacy
All of those who'll come after me
Set your mark upon their brow
And through life, you'll show them how

Help them daily, hope will find
'Til all life's sorrows are left behind
I pray for every breath they'll breath
And your spirit they will believe.

Lord, I pray alas for me
For how I act and what believed
Keep me from all doubt and fear
And to you oh draw me near

Lord strike my life with your hand
As you shape me by your plan
Mold my heart into your ways
That I do not fret, nor be afraid.

Help my heart to ever be
Exactly what you wish for me
Oh help me to not forget
That you are not done with me yet

--------------------------

Not one of my best poems... rough around the edges. But I feel it needed to be written. Even if it's just a landmark going forward. This week passed 2 years of having graduated from high school... I've not touched my bucket list from that day. Too busy surviving the hurricane of unfortunate events. It's frustrating I'm looking at another milestone, and I'm even farther behind from where I want to be than I was at 18.8 graduating. It's infuriating. I'm not, nor never will be a breadwinner. I simply can't keep up.

I've had half a week with my little sister. Ran me raggid, I'm so tired, but we got stuff done. Not anything off MY list. But everything off her's.

Going to sign off now

Cowgirl VK Out

The Delema of my Blogs

Or should I say coming up with, and completing blog posts...

This past month I've been studying the great minds and worlds of thought that were advanced during the Reformation. That, of course, led to cleaning out my inbox in my email of all those... trash notifications that I've gotten over the year. Things like Google Calendar would like to inform you that it's time to wake up... dated October 22, 2015... I do hope I actually did that day it's too long ago to remember. This led to tripping over old posts, which has led to this.

The Dilemma of My blog posts

To understand my dilemma, I'd like to go over a bit of history of the blog, and how it's grown over the years.

When I started blogging, with my other one, Making Me A Servant in 2009, it was for a handful of reasons, the first was... to be cool. The cool people had blogs. (Nerds) The second reason was school related. I was learning how to write an essay and needed an audience bigger than Mom and my two siblings for that.

I should point out I had only really just captured the art of reading. My typing skills were... questionable at best. Not like today where I can cover nearly fifty-two words a minute without much thought or struggle. I type nearly as fast as I think... sometimes faster.

Kendra started about the same time as I did, and shoot, anything she could do I could do better right? *cough* I didn't do much. I tried... half-heartedly to keep up with the blog. Post here, post there, but it was a casual adventure. At that time, Most of my posts were taken down, edited, then put back up at some point or other.

This is also the year I gave up spelling tests. Guess mom considered the shame of being laughed at for my spelling was enough incentive to get past my big fat zeros I was getting on tests.

And so the years went by, I wrote, as I had ideas. But really, it quickly lost its novelty, and my motive went to 'I blog because my sister does.'

This of course came with its own bunch of problems. Honest, I was frustrated, angry, and downright reluctant to even attempt anything here, why? because to tell the truth, I was writing for comments and followers. I had maybe half a dozen followers, and she'd get a new one... frequently. Well, a lot more frequently than I was.

So I created myself a system. I had a daily goal and I'd follow the pattern. Memory Monday, Quote Me Tuesday, Wordless Wednesday, Thoughtful Thursday, Finished Friday, And Song Saturday. Each one pretty much explains itself, but I'll go over them. Mondays, I'd tell a memory. Tuesday I'd hunt down a quote, and then comment on it. Wednesday I'd share one, or more pictures I'd taken that week, Thursday I'd state something I was thankful for, Friday I'd put what I'd accomplished, and Saturday I'd write a new poem.

Talk about overwhelming.

It was a good goal, and I did manage to follow the pattern for a solid three months. Over one hundred days of blog posts six days; sometimes seven days a week. As great as it felt I burned myself out, and I was back at my starting point. To make matters worse, as I burned out, I was hearing more, and more often 'take it down, you have an error' or 'take it down, that's private information.'

Some were at this time, I started up this blog, to accompany the first. Making was supposed to be about my spiritual growth, but I was getting into poetry and writing. Those concepts just... didn't fit.

So time went on, and my frustration just kept mounting. Fed up, I tossed in the towel, But in my heart of heart... I do love writing.

So, again I morphed. Joined a fan fiction site, and started blogging over there. Nothing bad, but I needed to get away and create my voice away from my sister's friends, and my mother's influence. I needed to become ME. When people ask, I say that was my rebellious stage. Any posts I was particularly proud of, I'd bring over here and share as well. You'll notice those because they tend to have an outline from the transfer. Or weird little emojis.

That being said, Kendra still kept an eye on everything I posted, everything I shared, and when I stepped over a line... she let me know. But shoot, what are sisters for? I still didn't like it, but I was away from the people who knew me, and able to try different things without someone at church going. "Oh, so I read your blog post..."

I was studying a lot of strange topics, Like personality types, how the DISC system worked, What are personality functions. How does color affect our moods and emotions... Among other topics. And, I grew a following! For the first time ever, my stuff was being seen, and that gave me the motivation to keep going. People kept asking questions, and I kept studying. I was asked to join a reviewers community, I started doing voice work for animators, I led an art group, we did a dramatic reading together of a story we all enjoyed. I was discovering myself.

*Cue the crashing car*

All good things must come to an end. I was one of a handful of Christians in a heavily Left-wing world. With my beliefs, and my stands, as well as my following, I was getting noticed by the trolls. On top of that, my health was suffering, graduation had just happened, and my editor walked out; and to in case my month couldn't get any worse, a local friend stabbed me in the back... almost literally

So I quit. I quit everything. Pulled out, and just walked away. I had to. My heart was in a million pieces. I wasn't going to bend to the left and their regime, and I wasn't about to let anyone tell me what I could, and couldn't do. Especially not a troll online, or a friend I'd not spoken to in months. I do, after all, sing my own song.

I remember very little about the following months. I discovered gaming and fell in. I said I was learning about action sequences. Maybe so. Maybe, in the beginning, it was about noticing the finer details of the action in writing. But if I was honest, I was just trying to kill time. Kill the time I'd previously spent in all those projects, and with all my friends. From time to time, inspiration would strike and I'd start something, or write something short. But it wasn't very often, and it wasn't very deep. I turned to art when I wasn't gaming or cleaning.

I won't say what changed. But it's been a very dark couple of years. Just one thing after another. I feel I'm stronger for it, Learned how to journal, how to express myself for myself.

But where am I going from here? What is my dilemma? Very simply, I refuse to stick with a mold. If I'm part of an art group, I write poetry for birthday presents. If I'm part of a poetry group, I paint them pictures... just whatever everyone else is not doing, that's the part of myself that needs to speak.

I named this blog I'm Singing my Own Song because I do. I'd rather walk alone than fit a mold. I don't NEED people to be happy, or fulfilled. There's works of thought, the beauty of nature, places to see, books to read, paintings to paint; stories to write; music to create. I have a song, and I must sing it!

But it comes with a dilemma. I know what gets comments. But if I stick with just those posts, it's like using only one puppet in a puppet show when you have so many more to choose from. If I stick with just one, I feel like I'm repeating myself. But on the flip side, I've been hurt. I've been hurt badly and there's so much more to myself that I can't let out yet.

So where am I going? I don't know. My goal of blogging is to educate, to express myself, and to lift up other's spirits'. I don't know where that endeavor is going to take me. This blog doesn't have the same viewing my fan blog did. It doesn't have the same followers. I don't' even know if at this point in my life I have the time to put in that kind of effort to grow this to that.

Do I want to re-start that blog? Not really. I still have people I talk to from time to time, but I'm pretty sure that stage of my life is complete. That blog's goal was to help me find my voice, and the types of blog posts I'd enjoy writing.

Might still pop in from time to time, I do still have a ton of stories I really should finish before I take that next step into my own writing. Finish up with my voice, complete those endeavors. 

I've considered many paths forward for my blogging. My first is to study the great minds, and eras and doing posts about the heroes, and the women in their lives... But I don't think this blog's name is all that conducive to those kinds of posts. Despite the fact, women leaders in history, and their reputation has been a favorite topic of mine for years.

I've considered sitting down with the knowledge I have now of personality types, and colors... and people in general and doing posts. But I'm not sure I'm quite ready to do that either. Honest, I've already done that once. If someone wants to ask me a question on that... I'd be happy to do a post. Biblical Counseling is the degree I want, that involves having a deep understanding of the way people tick.

I know I'll continue to do posts about my imaginary worlds, and encounters with my different imaginary friends. As well as maybe a few of my more interesting dreams that could turn into story ideas someday. My art and my photography have always been a part of this blog, and it always will be. (Reminds me that probably will be the next post.) You can find my photography on Instagram.

That being said, I don't know how many times I've started a post just to close it and leave it in drafts. Some of them, I had a concept, but the post just didn't' feel right. Other times... It felt repetitive. This is, in essence, my dilemma.

Blogging is a beautiful creation of the free will and mental exercise. A freedom that our ancestors have not been able to experience. Their writing being forced to go through filters of government before anyone had the opportunity to see or read. A blessing that I wouldn't' give up for the world. I may change where I blog, but I'll never quit blogging.

And perhaps, just perhaps, being a small time blogger... isn't so bad after all.

VK out

Intro to Strong Woman? Or female Bully?

(this is on both blogs)

In working with my women characters I have realized I need to, for myself define 'What is a strong woman?'

What brought this on was Star Trek's Captain Kathryn Janeway. I am a die hard Trekkie and have watched almost ever single S.T. TV episode. While watching Voyager I was amazed by the character. Star Trek's goal was to make a political statement of 'women can lead too.' After watching the series I was still left with the nagging question of 'what is a strong woman?' and more importantly 'was she a strong WOMAN, or a strong willed person that just happened to be physically a girl. (I will delve into Janeway in a future case)

After watching the series I started pestering my mother on the 'strong woman' issue. I have just finished Door Post's  Polished Cornerstone A Proverbs 31 women curriculum for young girls. The Curriculum delves deep into all the aspects of woman hood, leadership, home making,  honesty, kindness, memorization, Joyfulness, and so forth. So I know what is expected of a woman but I wish to strengthen my skills in developing and spotting Strong Women.

Throughout history leadership has been a 'man's job' with but a few exceptions like Cleopatra, Queen Elizabith, Queen Victoria, Jezebel Ahab's wife, Abigail one of King David's many wives, Esther, Ruth, and others. But there were exceptions. What made the exceptions 'strong'?


For the next bit I will be doing a study examining famous women in history, Women I know personally like my Mother, Grandmother, An adopted Aunt of mine that happens to be a supervisor at McDonald's, and if I can My former Boss at the Equestrian Center I used to work at, as well as two or three Pastor's wives I know. Fictional women like Cinderella's stepmother,Captain Janeway,  Diana Troi from Star Trek, Maid Marian from Robin Hood, Wendy from Peter Pan, and others, and figuring out what is the definition of a strong woman, and who is a strong woman, and who is, in my oppion a bully. (this blog will have the interviews and fictional women, Making Me a servant will have the Historical Women)

Currently my hypothesis is A strong woman is a Woman that Men do not feel threatened by. They respectfully not only acknowledge the fact that the woman is skilled but yield to them the tasks that the woman is better than them in. A Strong woman does not flaunt her skill or attorney at the men or insist upon it. nor snatch it away from them she simply is. If anything the Authority she has is thrust upon her by another. Whether it is in motherhood, queen-ship like Elizabeth and Victoria, or in being a mayor like Sarah Palin, or a Captain like Janeway.

If anybody would like to join me in my mission I would enjoy the company I will probably be on this tangent for at least a year, maybe two or three There are a lot of women to cover and I doubt I can do more than two a week.

( I will set up a linkup as soon as I figure it out. Please just comment below if you do one.)

Goals for 2013

Is it really 2013? shoot were we not just starting 2011? Where did the last two years go? Honestly I haven't a clue. I don't honestly know what I even want to do this year. Well I will list what I am sure of, at least what I want to do in my so called "free time"

By the end of the year I want at least the rough draft of these finished

1.  Cloaked: The Legend of DaRee  (A Mikada Legend)
2.  Elvings Away!: The story of Rose Eaglewing the finder ( An Eagle Tale)
3. Akeaka: The Legend of Udiah and Zelphie (A Mikada Legend) 
4. Behind the Rainbow: Tales of Ooladada 
5. Zepha: Short stories collection of Mikada legends: This is going to be interesting cuz at this moment I haven't a clue which stories I am going to do. 

 In what order I do these will really depend on my mood.

  Cloaked is  a "I don't belong" story. 

Elvings Away! is a new beginning story.

  Akeaka is a story of friendship in captivity 

Behind the Rainbow  Is going to be the hardest and yet the easiest to write Because Kenj and I are working on it together and I have to wait for her to get inspiration before I can go any farther though I know exactly what is going to happen. 

As far as songs go they will happen as they happen. I currently have 27 songs written, though none have the music on paper. 

And that I think I will have time for... if that.