Sunday, April 28, 2019

Lauren's open response to Kendra

This letter has nothing to do with my proposed decision to be adopted. (Which has not taken place yet! It's simply a discussion.) This simply has to do with everyone's refusing to acknowledge my autonomy as an adult.  


Kendra, this is Lauren  🙂
 I'm sitting down at Vannan's computer because frankly you know nothing of me.
you are judging her on slander that you have heard without merit
you've Been invited by your sister and you are constantly discrediting
her AMAZING progress
from depression to joy, from distrust to strength ALL POWERED by the ALMIGHTY
I am not the reason she has finally embraced her womanhood, I am just an avenue that God chose
I'm honored to be on this journey with your sister
I have seen the level of disrespect you guys have leveled against her and she has weathered it with grace
I'm disappointed that so many people have chosen to accept slander as truth and discredit Vannan in her accomplishments
it is unbiblical to spit slander and refuse to view for yourself.
You can answer all the sing song silliness you will
but without seeing for yourself without rejoicing with your sister in her accomplishments you are disrespecting the Almighty
in such a way that you might question your intent
Do you not want your sister to succeed? 
Do you not value her ambition?
 Do you not care that she is developing Autonomy in a way that is AMAZING and Godly?
There have been times that we have sat in many discussions where she has sharpened my wisdom in her insight
she is to be cherished and valued
not discredited
I am disgusted at how you have disvalues her how you have chosen to accept lies and to speak disrespect and slander without hesitation
She has been progressing in a way that makes me think that after about 6 months she will be able to obtain her own apartment, SHE WILL HAVE HER DRIVERS LICENSE
and she will have independence like you have never experienced.
I am amazed at her willingness to rise above the negativity to address her own short comings and to endeavor to become an amazing person against all odds including you as her sibling who is steadily challenging her in a disrespectful way
enough is enough
I see it as jealousy and that my dearest believer is a sin.
SHE BEING your SISTER is one AMAZING individual. 
If you can't see that and you don't want to see it in person that's your loss
It's in your court, quit being a nay sayer and come see your sister. She's the bomb.
and God's got her like He should. She's headed to do amazing things for HIM with or without your approval
3 classes in and she will achieve her goal of a college degree be it a Physical Therapy Assistant or a Nurse ( the two things she's said she wants)
and she will have the opportunity to spread God's love in an amazing way to people who NEED it.
You keep saying "I forgive you" like she's done something wrong.
the funny thing is I see it the other way around
you guys are driving her to tears because you refuse to encourage and support her.
It's stupid. She's made leaps and bounds since she came here in June. Shame on you all for not speaking positively about her accomplishments
You want to believe slander? So be it. I'll be the walking devil if it means that God's will is accomplished. She's going great places...... She's Amazing
I'm just the peon God chose as His pawn in her journey
you think you've got a silver pen and cute words but you have yet to say "I'm proud of you sister" you have yet to say "I trust you sister" you have yet to say "I want to see it from your perspective"...... ENOUGH is ENOUGH
If you don't have a positive word then silence your mouth and quiet your pen
standing in the way of God's will is a poor choice for a believer.
Job's friends had plenty to say
but they were all wrong
take your fear and send it back to the devil. Quit taking the words of slanders and spilling it as truth.
you want the truth come witness your sister as she makes her path in spite of the lack of support she is receiving. 
and do me a favor paste this all over send it in full to all who will listen because there is no shame in the position I hold with the Savior...... I'm His and follow Him alone and I have no need to defend my character because MY G
GOD goes before me.
Just as so many have weathered the storm of gossip and slander I am not immune to the devil but I can honestly say that he is using so many of you so instrumentally that I would wonder what in the world he hopes to accomplish
the fact that you will believe without question and in fact call your sister a liar because you refuse to believe her further indicates to me that your jealousy is what binds you. She's got this, she's going places, she a force to be reckoned with....... All because she knows the Almighty in a way that few can obtain.
You have been invited to see it from her eyes and you have continually made excuses...... it's your issues you need to wrestle with. She's working out her faith in a strong and Biblical way....... and as I said before she has weathered the storms against her with grace.
Shame on you for acting like you have some divine authority over her. That is God's space. In time you will need her forgiveness because she will remember your unwillingness to see the truth. 
Have a wonderful night. The offer is open as always but it is you who has to rise above your own assumptions and step out in faith. Your sister is miles ahead in that area...... There is no ill will between you and I but the disrespect you have levied against your sister is abhorrent. I hope that you will  begin to see the error in your way and seek her forgiveness when she is ready.


"Shouldn't you be asleep right now?" 

I sit in the green grass of Giver Hill looking out over the great world of possibilities. I glance over at the Giver with a slight half smile. "I should, either that or studying. I shouldn't be writing." 

"Then why do you persist my child?" He sits down beside me looking over the landscape with me. 

"Do you love me?" I ask. 

"Yes Loralye, I love you. I've given you a new name, now endure."

"I'm not sure I like being called a Temptress." I state with a slight frown. 

"The temptress who sings upon stones." he corrects me. "Stop and think child, is that not what you do? Do you not in the face of satan's attacks turn your face to the sea and sing? Do you not count every battle as a victory in the midst of the fight as I've taught you to do." 

"When you spoke to Kendra..." 

"I've yet to speak with your sister, she has no peace because she does not ask for peace. She is determined to fight. I'm not in the mountain, or the storm, or the battle... I'm in the silence of the wind. She spoke to Rage and Fear... I do not give a spirit of Fear, but of power, and love, and a sound mind." 

"Why do they abandon me?" I look up at him for the first time since our conversation began, he's comforting to me to look at. I know him, and he me. 

"Child, they are afraid. It is easier to believe lies than the truth. Believe child I am working in their hearts. I'm proud of you. Even in this, you've sung on the rocks. I heard you today." 

"You gave the songs Abba. Thanks by the way you always know what I need." Tears form in my eyes as I smile up at him. "And thanks for turning off my phone. I needed that. Better than locking my phone in the box until tests are done." 

"You were being irresponsible with it. I'm still your father, and you still are my child. I will rebuke you and chase after you as long as you need it." 

"How... how do I know I'm where I'm supposed to be?"

"Why did I tell you to come here?" 

I pause frowning. "For healing." 

He nods at me. "Yes, yes that's why I told you to come. What were your signs?" 

"You gave me several. The date, First time around the lake was with my brother, second we would go backwards, third we'd consider going around twice. Then a sit-down restaurant to celebrate your provision before it would be granted. The second sign was dogs under a Library's counter. Fourth white rats, fifth a boys bathroom with no door. Visiting Cousin Ten... Bass Pro Shop... what else?"

"Did these come to pass?" 

"Every sign you've given me has come to pass. I've never been wrong. Was... that person my family that I offered myself to and they refused?"


"Will they return to me?" 

"When the time is right. You've got much to learn. You've developed beautifully, but even this isn't enough. You will go through more. You're not perfect, but I'm so proud of you." 

"Abba, I've got so much more to do before my assignments are due Monday, then the finals! I'm... I can't-"

"Child! How little you know! How little you believe. Do the things you know to do! Don't be overwhelmed. Sing child, sing upon your rocks. Rocks can be hardship, but they are also a firm foundation. They are stable and they won't be moved." 

I look out over the land noticing many things that I'd normally ignore. "Will you speak to them?" 

"Where do you end and they begin? Boundaries child. I'm to worry about that. You do what you know you're supposed to do. Let me handle the rest. You've reached out, you've spoken truth. You've acted not in secret... besides, you've done nothing yet. You know what you want, you've talked to professionals. Child, you know this is right. Their gossip and bad attitudes I'll handle. If not in this life, the next. Besides, you get a crown for persecution remember. I left my family, remember." 

"I remember. What about Kendra and I needing to work together?" 

"You're grown! As children, yes. I gave you to each other to challenge and grow off one another. Now, I'm pulling you out to continue growing, to continue expanding. Loralye! You've not had her for two years. And yet, you've grown and matured. You've done many things for my kingdom, and I'm proud of you. But I call you to the world to minister. I need you to be able to blend in. Learn my words, trust my rules, and believe my teachings. What's your favorite psalm?" 

"Psalm 27." I reply instantly, the music running through my head. "Though my Father and Mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me." 

"Am I not? You can only control you. You're headstrong enough to break out of anything if you want to. Even a gilded cage. if you were in distress, I would remove you. I've set you with my servant, one I've trained to train you. I told you to trust her, I told you to trust people. Trust and believe." 

"Please Lord, let them visit me. Let them come see. Lead them to me to test the lies of Satan to challenge my words, let them act on your spirit's guiding. Lord, allow me to be gracious and Loving in all things. Abba, Let it be, let them see, and guide us into a brighter future."

"As if the battle's been won." 

"Abba, what's time for you, what's paper to you. Are these not man's inventions?" 

"I made time child... but my was are not another's ways. Trust me on that. Believe me on that. You're beautiful, strong, and you trust me. Even if life here is hard, there is a reward in heaven for you. Just... get out of the fiction and games child, you're not helping yourself. GO TO BED." 

"I believe I can now Abba. How do I know these are your words?" 

A sense of disappointment fills me. "I speak the words I've spoken. You hear the words I intend. I guide your heart and you listen, You wish to be my friend. My child you want to listen. You wish to do my will. You recognize fear and contentment, you know and allow your heart to still"

Here I notice his absence, the voice is gone. It was so strong... I obey and turn to leave returning to my bed in order to have the best day possible in aproxemently four hours. 

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

Turmoil of the Soul

"ABBA!" My heart is almost breaking as I finally slow down enough to sit down and talk. Of course he's here, I had not needed to shout. I never need to shout.

"Yes my child?"

"Is this of you." I bite my lip trying to still the storm of thoughts and emotions that rage through me. "Look, I can't choose. I can't make this choice if I don't know it's of you!"

"My child, oh my child how you torment yourself! What have I said? Tell me, what is it that has burdened your spirit so?"

"Lord, you know all things, you know what it is that is the desire of my heart... you also know the fears that plague me."

"Have I not asked for confession?" His eyes are so sincere as he sets himself beside me on the grass. "Speak child."

"I have been given an offer that from all angles I see only blessing and prosperity. I see it as an answer to a mystery hidden to me, and also to be your will. I fear my family. I fear the choice and the parts of it I can't see. I could make it, I could just do it without asking, but... Abba, If it is your will, should I not trust that you've spoken to their hearts as well on this matter?"

"What did I not say to the rich young ruler?" His eyes bore through me. I'm still trying to gather myself after my near panic attack. I still can't beliv-

"Write child."

"You told him to leave his father and mother, sell everything he had and follow you." I'm not looking at him as I say these words.

"Is stuff not you depending on your own understanding? Is it not holding onto the flesh? My child, I have a plan for you even in this."

"Why I've chosen to write My'lord. I need to sort these thoughts, go through what I know. Abba! I need council in this."

"Who are you?"

"I am hope. I am the one who you've set your mark upon. Abba, every moment you've guided. I'm an legal adult, but a failure of a human being-"

"I choose the weak of this world to confound the wise. I chose you. Not just at birth, I chose you when you were not yet a thought upon your parent's minds. Before you sparked a light within your mother I chose you. I guided your parts together and willed you to live. You are the one I lent to your parents. You were not asked for. You are the seventh of your generation. You are my chosen lamb."

"No offense, but I kinda feel like a escape goat."

"You have not failed my child. You are exactly where I want you to be. You stumble. You may always stumble but you have not fallen. You are loved so much. When you gave yourself to me, did that make you any less your parent's? Or were you just giving yourself willingly to I who've chosen you from the beginning?"

"Abba... here is my strife. For three years I've wandred as the enemy has wished for my soul. You've chosen me for a mission, and I always believed this mission is going to be hard. Forget hard, this mission is going to take every breath I breath, ever fiber of my mind, body, and soul to accomplish. I don't know what it is... but the past three years has shown me Mom and Dad... they aren't ready yet. At the same time, neither am I. As it has been, I shall be innocent. Your lamb before the slaughter. I wish with all my heart and soul to protect them from the burden of my mission. I don't think we have much longer. Abba, I don't know when the ax is to fall and I find myself in my mission, but I don't have much time." I pause to look up at him. "Am I crazy? Abba, am I just a mad fool rushing in where Angels dread not tread?"

"Who speaks? Is it this spirit of fear I have not given you? Be gone!" His eyes bore through me. I feel calmer. "My wrath can wait another day. I will use not just you, but many others. I qualify the called... Have you not grown where I've planted you?"

"There Abba is my strife. I have grown, but I love my family. All of my family even the ones I find it hard to forgive. They are who I've known for so long. This place is new, but I am offered adoption. It will give me so much. I will have access to the medical care I need. It will put a block in anyone's desire to strike at my family while places individuals who will help me achieve the goals you need me for. I am not ashamed of where I came from. But I fear they will see my desire to follow you as abandoning them. Abba! How can I choose between them? How can I be expected to leave my family even if it is what's best for us all. New name, new identity, a chance to leave my lesser self behind. A chance to be dedicated completely to your work. Abba! I don't want to leave them behind!"

"State the law. You read it."

"I forget the exact words, but adoption here for an adult is very simple. I alone make that choice for me. The only down side is the legal system will no longer give me a portion of any inheritance  from my biological family unless they form a will writing me in. I gain so much, I loose so little. Abba, can I not have both a biological family and a legal one?"

"Hope you are no longer, my child I shall call you from now on Victory. Laura LaVannan, step forward, it is my will, and I shall move in the hearts of those you fear and let them see what I've already stated. I gave you to your mother to raise, you were not hers, you were never hers. You've always been mine first. Fear not the flesh, and allow your spirit to be strengthened on my promises. You've not acted in secret, nor do you ask permission. You do not act in haste. Now, go get your goat and sleep."

I smile with a nod, hugging him tightly around his shoulders. "Abba, how could I be so lucky?"

"Luck has nothing to do with it, you are because I will it."

Monday, September 10, 2018

Talk by the shore (ooladada)

Torrents of noise cascade around me, the chaos crashing like waves upon the rocks. But I am not a rock. I'm upon the rock.

"Abba? You here?" I cry out into the darkness.

"Yes child, I am here." His voice surrounds me, comforting me like a blanket.

"Think I missed a step."

"I expect it, I wish obedience, not perfection."

I pause, listening to the waves. "What is true?" I ask him.

"I am truth." He replies.

"But in the chaos of what I'm being told, how do I know it's right?" I respond.

"Is it pure? Is it true? Does it build another up? Does it advance my kingdom?"

I sigh, sitting against the rock face behind me, the spray of the waves soaking me to the skin."But, I don't want the chaos."

"You want Serenity, silence, peace, harmony."

"How can I have harmony if I"m not even harmonious with myself?"

"Did I not say the flesh would war with the spirit and the spirit with the flesh? Who will you allow to win?"

"Abba, it's not fair!"

His warmth surrounds me. "I'm on your right side, you will not be moved."

"But what if I move myself?"

"Can you jump? You could, but I'd still be above, and below, and on your left, and upon your right."

I giggle at that. "Yeah... guess it's like swimming... you're still in the water. Just it might be more than you're used to dealing with."

"Kind of like that... it's how you can connect."

"Why do I feel so wrong? What's wrong with me?"

His eyes alight upon me, a gentle smile playing at his lips. "You are fallen. This life is a shadow of what I wish. Destroyed by sin... you too are marred by the sin."

"Can I go home now?"


I look up into his eyes with tears in my own. "I want something more than this."

"More than what you are now? No, you need to be content. You have so much to learn."

"Why did you allow me to shatter? Why can't I be whole again?"

"There was an infirmity in the metal. Sometimes a blade has to be forged again. And I wish for you to be holy."

"Can't I be normal? Can I not just... fit in? Abba? I am tired of being weird."

"I know child. Come close to me, and I'll give you the desires of your heart."

"Abba? What do I desire? Deep down, what is that I want? What do I really want?"

"What do you want child? You want it easy, you want a life without correction or ridicule. You want to always have exactly what to say, exactly how to say it always at the tip of your tongue. You want to know every man's every thought, and motive laid bare before you. You want to live without friction."

"When you put it like that you make it sound like I want to be you."

"No man can be me. And no man goes through life without stepping on other's toes. But lean on me, and I'll shape you to be a reflection of me."

"In the world, but not of it... Abba, what did you mean by that?"

There is silence. But I can feel him draw closer to me.

"I'm on the outside looking in."

"No, you are a light in the darkness. Some will be attracted like a moth, some will be repulsed. Light is not always loved... and your light has been dimmed because you've not been faithful."

"I miss you."

"I have missed you my beloved one."

"You're my father, and I am your child."


"Abba, why does this feel so flat, I wish for my writing to become more again. I'm rambling, and it's driving me crazy."

"VK... Do you think I care how little, or how great, or how powerful your writing is? Do you think I am incapable of turning this, or anything else for good? You desire to come close to me. That is what I want. I will use your pennies and feed the thousands. CHILD! Come here, and be tended. Draw close and rest. Go out, and do your duty. You go above and beyond for me. I am your master, and I give you your pay. I am all you need. Today, tomorrow, and forever. TRUST ME! Lean on me, embrace me. I am real, I am here... and I will not let you down. All that is good, I will give to you. You work for me. You do not answer to anyone else. And remember, everyone, WILL answer to me how they handled what I gave them."

"I know. Still why me?"

"Because you are willing? Because you listen. And because I am God."

"I should get back to life now... "

"Don't forget to take me with you. I'm a good resource."

I laugh out loud as he sits there smiling down upon me. "Yeah. The best. I'm tired."

"You could try harder. I am watching."

"Thanks, Abba, I needed this."

The waves still crash around me, but it's quieter now. Maybe it's me. As I pull myself back out of the realm and into reality I'm struck by a feeling of loss. But it's only for a second. I feel his presence surround me now it is time to rest.

Saturday, June 9, 2018

Teach My Spirit Now

VS 1
Sin and doubt has filled my head
Fear of might be ahead!
The darkness of the soul to come,
Here I forget the Battle's WON!

Oh pull me ever near
Your spirit forever hear

Bridge 1
This heart of mine yet so divine art thou
Oh pull me in, and show my heart how!
Fill my spirit with your light
And Give me the strength to fight!

This is my new season of Tests
Oh test me as you've done the rest
As darkness climbs around
You're the best that I have found.

Teach my spirit now
Oh teach my spirit how

VS 3
In the dark valley of fear
As the snake pulls me near
As the chains slip around my neck
Oh, keep my faith 'forever in check!

Teach my spirit now
Oh teach my spirit how

VS 4
I feel you're slow in the task.
Why don't you do what I ask?
As I drown beneath the waives
When my spirit begins to cave...

Teach me now
Teach me now

Where are you when I call?
Has my soul begun to fall?
Where art thou in this storm?
What else have I to learn?

Bridge 2

The army is mounting
They're getting ready
My spirit is doubting
But I'm going steady

In you
Lord, I'm steady in you.

I fear the spirit's calm
I get his healing balm
He clears the blinded eye
He prompts my soul to fly

You're healing me
You're feeling me

VS 7
Lord Guide my heart in this day
As you brighten up my darkest way
You've given me new songs
You've righted all the wrongs

Lord, I LOVE you
Lord, I love you...

VS 8
You've taken now a hold my hand
You've led me to your promised land
You've brought me new hope
As you destroyed all  the ropes

Unchanging art thou
Unchanging art thou

Bridge 3

This heart of mine yet so divine art thou
Oh pull me in, and show my heart how!
Fill my spirit with your light
And Give me the strength to fight!

Your mercy overwhelms me daily
As you teach me to trust you faithfully
In the morning light
The lily white
The darkest night
You're the holy knight

Oh Lord, how merciful art thou


This is almost in desperate need of an editor This is half free verse tosses into another end of trick. XD But it has potential. A lot of potential. 

Hope you enjoyed

VK Out

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

The Virtual Reality: Dream

Yep, another dream. I know I post these a lot. But I've got some fun ones. This is heavy action, and since it was I'm calling it homework. So, let's dive in shall we?


"Alright kids, let's check our equipment," I instructed as I, and a group of my cousins stood at the entrance of a Holodeck getting ready for some team building. We were split off into three groups of three. I, Kendra, and my male cousin Mistro were the team captains.

"Who you callin' a kid?" Mistro scowled.

"Everyone younger than you are," I replied with a half grin and a giggle.

He laughed in return, as he checked the grieves on his brother's legs. "My squad is ready." He said.

I glanced up from where I was checking Tadpole's before doing a final nose count. "Let's see, My squad is Sunshine and Star. Kendra, you have Po and Rocky, and Mistro has Pizza and Shine... everyone accounted for?"

"I'm not Pizza!" Mistro's little brother scolded me. I pointed to his shirt. "You are what you eat, therefore you are Pizza, that's your code name as of this second."

The girls tittered behind me.

"Alright, the goal is simple, we are to get to the other end of this warehouse, and retrieve the objective. Preferably without being seen by the mouse king... or any of his minions. We are authorized to use lethal force."

This time it was the boys who tittered.

"Yes?" I asked in a flat tone.

"You mean we're allowed to paint them with the light."

"Yes, these are laser guns. And the mice are holograms created by the computer... Po, now, get your mind in the game or you'll get hit and you'll be out. That armor is designed to lock down if you get hit. So please don't make me come back and save you."

A round of giggles went around the group. I pretended to scowl, but in all honesty, I was just as excited as the kids to partake in the game. "Computer!" I called.

"Yes, Dreamer?" It replied. I was half tempted to scowl at the response, but eh, it answered. "Start simulation."

I pulled my sniper from my back, letting the girls move up, as the other two teams moved in other directions. I watched the timer through my scope. 10... 9... 8... 7... The number slowly ticked down in front of me. I took a deep breath, keeping my eye on my team. Sunshine had found her position behind a forklift, while Star was on the opposite side behind a crate. The both winked at me, readying their laser pistols.

With a show of fireworks and a buzz of light, the game was on. Within seconds, the first mouse appeared out ahead of us. It was the size of a small dog, easy target. I breathed in, then as I squeezed the trigger, let it out, the mouse vanished in an explosion of light. The girls moved up.

I scanned the area again, a roach, walking on its hind limbs, and about my hight, appeared with a laser rifle up ahead, I quickly snipped it off, perfect headshot. I had done two shots in a row, the computer now knew my position. Time to move. I slipped down from my vantage point.

"Bunker and Scan," I instructed the two girls. "I'm moving."

"We read you, Cowgirl," Star replied. I saw Star mount a set of shelves, and lay down about halfway up; Sunshine found herself a box that had a slit about half way up that she could see out of to hide in.

"Ooh!" Sunshine exclaimed. "I found hidden points!"

I heard giggling from the other teams but was more focused on moving up to another good snipers tower I had seen up ahead. Switching to a pistol similar to the ones the girls were using, I made my way cautiously in its direction.

"Five o'clock sis." I heard Kendra spout over the radio, I spun around just in time to see a giant ant crept up behind me. I punched it, and it again went down in a sea of sparks.

"Thanks, sis." I crouched down, getting a good scan of what was around me before creeping forward. Below Star, I could just see a small chest of extra points. I headed that direction. Claiming them with a sweep of my hand.

"Yay! Immunity shield!" I bragged.

"Lucky Duck," Mistro replied sourly.

"Ya'll found any chests yet?"

"Focus on the field sis!" Kendra scolded.

"But I'm immune!"

"For one hit!"

I laughed but rapidly got to my next vantage point, crouching down in the tower. "Alright girls... I see two figures around our next bend, I'll snipe them, then we'll all three move forward together.

"Roger," Star replied.

For the next few seconds, it was a stream of sparks and dying robots... (warehouse had security drones) before I dropped once more to the ground, switching once more to my pistol.

With a girl on either side, we slowly made our way up, looking carefully around the edge. "We're in position... going to need distraction squad A." The area around our finish line was simply teeming with enemy life... or holographic simulations of overgrown bugs. "I found honey!" Sunshine said from my left.

"Hast thou found honey? eat but a little lest you be filled with it and vomit." I replied without thinking.

"Ewwww!" I heard from Shine across the line.

"It's a verse kid, look it up."

"If you guys don't quit yapping you'll be- oh there you go.."

The honey was a trap. Suddenly a large net fell upon us. The siren going off... and we were swarmed.

I looked at the girls, and we both fell into giggles as the simulation cut off.

"You vomited," Pizza stated flatly.

"Round two?" I asked.

"You're on!" Both of the other teams said.

The dream cut out, and next thing I knew we were leaving the simulation hall holding the prize in our arms. (Seriously dream!)

"That was fun," Po said smiling from ear to ear. In fact, we were all smiling from ear to ear.

"All that in Grandma's garage... who knew?"

"Loved the projectors, that was awesome!" Mistro said. "You'll have to invite me back soon."

I laughed. "of course, it's not at all fun alone." As we approached the front door for ice cream, I looked behind me to see a hover car pull in the driveway. A little ol' five-seater, but 20 secret service men stepped out."

"Round three?"

"How about, hide?" Mistro suggested.

"We could always turn back on the simulation." Shine suggested.

"You kids go make yourselves scarce, hide in the woods back there. Stay together, Kendra and I will find out what they want."


And that's where it ended... well actually, it ended with mid-chat, which I don't fully remember but Mistro rushing up to tell me Sunshine had fallen in the gully and broke her leg... Paranoid much?

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this. It's been a few days since I posted.

Cowgirl Out.

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

If this was my last week (Challenge)

Trigger alert: This is sad

This morning I was given the challenge to contemplate, and then write down what I would do if I knew that I had seven days, then I'd die.

I've always lived with the reminder that this could be my last day, last week, last month. So in some ways, not much would change, in others... I think I'd do things very differently.

My first reaction would probably be relief. Seven days. Seven final days then that's it? No more pain, no more sickness, nothing? No more worries about the future, what I'd eat, drink, wear, live in... Nobody can do anything else to me. Even if I knew that death was fire or the electric chair... I don't think I'd care. I'd simply be relieved that this life is finally over.

Then, I'd set to work.  I would make out a list of all the people I've been meaning to write letters to, and write them. I'd tell them about the little things I'd observed in their lives, and also stress to them just how important it is to act with wisdom in each and every day's situation. Not every child's would be the same, What I'd tell Po, would in no way match what I'd tell Star or Tadpole. But I'd sit down and make sure they were all written.

Next, I'd sit down and write my different story ideas down in a notebook with as many details as I'd want in there.

After that, I'd probably go sit on the bridge, or out in a meadow by myself and just watch the birds, and butterflies. I'd spend time taking pictures and just enjoy the fresh air.

Then, I'd go home. Blast the police's rules to the moon. I'd go home. Even if it wasn't for long, I'd take a walk to all those places I loved as a child, and at some point join my family in a pile and watch a video... don't care what. Just be together would be the only thing that was important.

I think it'd be at this point the realization that I had such short amount of time left would hit me. Really really hit me. The video would go off and I'd cry into my sister's shoulder. Probably wail. Morning at just how little I get to see them. And... how soon I'd have to say goodbye until they followed me.

That night I'd probably would write blog post, after blog post. I'd message all my friends. I'd tell them just how much each one means to me. How much they've done for me. I'd apologize to all of them for my shortcomings, and forgive them for any wrongs they'd done. I'd pray for them like I never have before that they'd come to Christ, and be with me. Because I know this is it. I'd probably pray clean into the night. Each of their needs being brought before God... I think the hardest thing for me is knowing I'll watch so many of them go to hell. I have a few Christian friends, but here, I wouldn't care if they never spoke to me again. I'd bring them the gospel with every ounce of passion I possess in my body.

At some point, I'd probably crash, the next day I'd be drained and utterly exhausted. So I'd rest. Maybe paint, or journal. But keep to myself. If I ate anything, It'd be because somebody made me.

At some point, I'd visit WR... again something I'm not allowed to do because of the county. I'd spend the day grooming horses, and just enjoying my time with them.

That night I'd have chocolate ice cream. Two no-nos in one.

In the between times of not going, I'd probably still be writing. Probably sit down and write in my journal how I'd want my funeral to go.... then, I'd call up my aunt, and ensure I had time to sit down with B, and sew with her.

I'd dance, and sing, and be myself. Wouldn't care who was watching, or what they'd thought.

But when the final night came, there would be a level of grief, and a level of joy. I can't wait to be free of my pain. I can't wait to see heaven. I can't wait to spend time with my other siblings. I'd want my baby sister there. If she could be. And in those final moments... I'd be content. Yeah, I'd not achieved all I wanted to get done in my life. But most of those things are notions, and pies in the sky I'd hurt because I wouldn't have my family anymore... but I don't anyways at the moment. So no difference.

Mostly, I'd live moment by moment. Enjoying the nature, and the people around me. Eagerly awaiting the next life. Not much different than I do already.

With having one week, and only one week with my little sister... those final two days I was with her, but it was very little in the way of projects. I just wanted her close. But the emotion kept overwhelming me so I'd go on a walk to cool off. I'd probably do the same here. Not wanting my family and friends to see just how much losing them was tearing me up.

Alright, so that was... upsetting. Honest, I did cry. It's not a pleasant thing to think about. Death is a two-edged sword. I'd probably pray that God would give me a few more months. Just so I could make sure I had everyone covered, and had time to write a few poems I've been putting off. No way I could cover everything. But if I were to be given a week... that's what I'd try to do with it.

So, to pass this challenge along. I nominate Kelcy and Erudessa, and Kendra. If you had one week to live, what would you do with that time?

Cowgirl Out

Monday, May 28, 2018

The Study-Room Void

Slowly I make my way into the Library of Ooladada, collapsing into a private study nook onto a giant stack of pillows. I'd call it a mountain, but since Ooladada really did have a pillow mountain, this is a molehill.

I'm rambling. I knew I was rambling... know? I am... I grumble again at nothing more than my stupid self.

"Two Weeks! Are you ever going to talk to me again?" I say up into the rafters. The room is silent, deadly silent. I sigh, curling up into a ball. "Why have you left me? Why... why are you silent? What have I done that you've stopped talking to me?"

Still, the room is silent. The walls still lined with books, the lone table also as if the previous pupal had meant to come back, but hadn't yet.

"Where is Writus when you need him?" I grumble to myself. The Giver is silent, the Guardians are silent, the keepers are silent!" I suddenly stand throwing a pillow across the room.

Immediately, I regret it. "Oh, Father... what am I doing?" The silence continues to be deafening, clenching my eyes tight shut I want to scream, yell, shout... something. Anything? For a moment, I am tempted to bring one of my characters in... maybe Steady Wing... I reject the idea almost as fast as it had been brought to mind.

So we sit in silence. A clock ticks. A fan turns on. A lone beetle crawls over a page.

"I used to wonder how I could live without my vices... ya' know... I kept running from you in order to fill myself with them." I pause to contemplate. "But.... after these past two weeks... Father, I'm sick of this! I hate this silence. Even with my vices... they make me just feel ick. You, I felt known, pure.... perfect. Like nothing here really mattered. I... Father... I miss that peace. I have never ached for something like this before in my life. Driven... tied... greed... hunger.... but in it, I always am looking for that next high. If it's the reading of a sad book... or eating way too much sugar. I'm always just looking for that next... thing. With that- closeness. Abba I want that! I want that back so badly! Where are you?"

I nearly burst into tears. The room feels all the more still, silent... empty. "Where are you?"

"Oh child, my child.... why do you torment yourself so much?" I could feel the voice, but... no. it was in the same room.


"When you are weak, then I make you strong, when you are down, then I lift you up. When times get hardest, that's when I speak loudest."

"I'm not home yet!" I nearly yell. "Why did you forsake me for those two weeks?"

Again he's quiet, but I feel driven to look at the book on the table. Picking up, I realize it's my journal. I am almost angry, but God's God, and this is in his library. He must have set this up beforehand. As I pick it up, it turns to a page almost on its own...

"March 6th... Another day of Blessings...

Wow Lord, Just... wow..."

I'm instantly humbled, as my eyes glaze over what I had written. It was a day of provision. Of blessing... of opportunity to do something great. Something I had almost not done because I hate talking to people. But it turned out to be such a day of blessing.

"It is progress, a new house, and blessings will be coming out our ears. Lord, Thank you for giving me your Song." Matt, 22:37-39.  Jesus said to him, You shall Love the LORD your God with all your heart, soul, and mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it, you shall love your neighbor as yourself."

I close the book, biting my lip. "Abba?"

"Do you not understand?"

"No..." I admit. "This is all just.... Blast... Forget it.... Thanks for letting me be with my sister for an extra two days."

"Child... come here." For the first time in two weeks, my eyes fall upon him. "Oh, Abba!" My feet carry me to him, breaking down in tears. "I'm tired of being alone!

"Shhh child," For a while, he lets me just cry into his shoulder.

Finally my tears slow down. I still ache, probably will break down again. But for the moment, I'm done. For even longer, he just holds me, letting me feel his strength and protection.

"What is your favorite verse." He asks me.

"There are a lot of good ones," I admit

Instantly, I could feel his disappointment.

"I will cover you with my feathers, I will shelter you with my wings, my promises are your armor of protection.

"He who keeps Israel doesn't slumber nor does he sleep.

"The Lord is my light and my Salvation, whom shall I fear, the Lord is the strength of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?"

"When was the last time you read my words?"

"This afternoon."

"That's a lie child. The truth."

I bit my lip thinking. "Well, I listened to Carmon this afternoon... kinda... yesterday in church a bit."

"Not for church, for yourself?"

"I was reading Jerimiah..." I admit. "Before that Ezekiel... some out of Daniel..."

"Very good child, that's better. When was the last time you picked it up?"

"Probably last Tuesday..."

"So a week..." He asked me. It wasn't condescending, just stating a fact. But I felt like the biggest failure.

"V... why are you down? Why do you cower in shame."

"I should be reading daily. Especially while I had my sister. I missed an opportunity to show real Christianity."

He shook his head. "I am disappointed you didn't pick it up and read it. You ask me why I was silent. Child, I keep telling you that I gave you books, I put it in a recording so you could listen to it on your time.... that is my main communication."

"Yeah, I know I'm daft, you don't have to say it in as many words."

"If you are reading your Bible only for your sister to see you doing it, I will not speak to you through it. You have your reward."

I freeze, my mouth agape. "Wait... what?"

"Your reading is for you. I will work in Sunshine's life on her speed. I'm not worried about her right here, right now. There, with her, I'm concerned, so don't take that the wrong way."

I nearly giggle, but I knew it needed saying.

"Child, I'm always with you."

"I know..." I admit.

"Up there you do, how about down here? Where have I been? Right there. I was there when you struggled the worst. You could have asked for deliverance instead of falling prey to the need for one more chapter..."

"I... wanted out," I admitted.

"Did you?"

"Some part did."

He nodded. "You're still fighting the battle of your fleshly desires. You've allowed yourself to fall into quite the pit. I'm proud of you for wanting to come out, to follow and dump those little bits at a time..."

"There's this song I remember hearing once... where you walk through a house examining how clean it is... but then reach the closet and it's a mess... and the owner has to actually let you clean out the closet... It's a Bluegrass song... why can't I find it?"

He smiles, "You will, when the time is right."

I sigh. "Why did you ignore me for two weeks, why didn't you answer as quickly, why didn't you seek me out this time?"

Abba's eyes sparkle. "Oh child, think about it? Ignore you? No, I was busy letting you feel that emptiness. You needed to feel the difference. You want me now more than ever."

I giggle at where my mind went. Romanticly... Now I'm blushing.

"That's exactly what I'm talking about. I want to have an instant relationship with you. But that only works if it's two way. You have to want me back. You have to seek me back. But... as you've been learning with the animal class you're taking, that's part of pressure and release.  I made you look at me, didn't give you rest until you did, now, I'm drawing you closer to me."

"Yeah..." I have nothing really more to say about this. He's right. It's a horse gentling technique. There are faster ways to train a horse, but the best way is through this simple method. Cut off the driveline, then use pressure release to get the horse to obey. Constant pressure will make the horse freak out, too much distance and the horse will do it's own thing. But with the combonation, it draws the horse to want to come. Want to be petted, then accepting of the lead rope.

"Very good."

with a sigh, I lean into him. "I'm so tired."

"I know."

"I do appreciate being with my sister for two extra days. It was hard letting her go."

"I'm preparing a place for you. Child. Patience."

"I dont' see it! I just dont' see it."

"I have given you all the proof you need. Do you see me?"

"Well, I can hear, feel-"

"I'm here."

"yes... You are here, here with me."

"I am here, and I have promised you a home. Trust me on this. Now... sleep, child."

"Will I get to be with my angel again? Will he come see me again?"

The Giver smiles down at me, brushing a stray hair from my face. "Oh child, my dear child. Am I not enough for you?"

"Yes... but..."

"But feel my presence, I've got you, under my feathers. And when I'm silent, then maybe you need to read."

"I'll try Abba."

"Oh my child, if only you were stronger.  But I will walk 500 miles, then I will walk 500 more just to be that man who walks a thousand miles just to stand outside your door."

As his voice fades, I find myself basking in the peace, and the silence of the room, collapsing into the great pillow pile.

"If I'm not strong enough to be what it is you need me to be Lord... Give me your strength to handle it."


AN: Disclaimer. OOLADADA IS PARTLY IMAGINATION. It's a fictionalized rendition of my spiritual arguments. Few months back I felt challenged to talk to God on the same level as I would my imaginary friends... Since I treat them as real, and legit... and God as this thing that you talk to... Real but, so far above us that you tiptoe... well I felt the need to try this. So, the situation is real, God is real, half what he says is what I hear... but the place, and sights... stuff like that is kinda a mix of imagination and interpretation. My understanding of spiritual stuff.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed.

Cowgirl VK out.

Saturday, May 26, 2018

The Person I Want To Be

Looking back on yesterday
I find myself in need to pray
For I have not achieved my goals
But rather have been made the fool

At four years old my dream to fly
At eight made me wish to cry
At nine my scores made me fret
At eleven I had lost the bet

The goal at twelve to have a job
At sixteen forced my brain to blob
At eighteen to college, I wished to go
Now here at twenty, the south wind blows

So looking upon age twenty-one
I pray to God a crown is won
That my life achieves the path he's set
And his word I not forget.

Lord may I not forget to dream
As my plans are ripped at seams
At four I wished to learn to drive
But now I fear to strive.

I fear the time has set me back
But yet I know this is still a path
Oh Lord give me another dream
And dish to me Your Blessed cream.

What are my dreams I wish to know?
What makes my spirit wish to grow?
Is all life here a mere empty dish?
Or is there yet a thing to wish?

I pray today for tomorrow's girl
I pray she's your eternal pearl
I pray she's grown from today's flower
And is wholly trusting in your power.

I pray today for shattered glass
The heart I had, which crumbled fast
Fix it whole, and help it love
Wash it with your eternal blood.

Fix my vice, those little sins
Make me not to wish again
Keep me pure for my wish is this
To be a bride, and find baby's kiss

Oh I know that life's not fair
That's why I lift to you this prayer
For on my own I'll never achieve
Until it's you that I believe.

I wish to build myself a work
That brings in hungry, sick and hurt
This place will be a place for those
Whos life, a challenging pose.

A Beautique that caters to the deaf, the blind
The children who challenges find
The lights too bright, the fixtures buzz
As they loom from up above.

This a dream I see someday
And this a dream, I wish to pray
For all those people I wish to touch.
This the world you loved so much.

Give me strength each every day
As I strive to you obey
Because this dream is yet so far
Today it seems so very hard.

Another dream I have in mind
A dream I fear, lest leave behind
To build a group that teaches skills
The Artisan guilds have needs to fill

How foolish my heart to wish such things
For yet another will dash my dreams
For not a week I was out of school
Then I felt like I was a tool

Two years I've spent at duldrum's door
Lord take this thought and make it no more
This thing too, you have some plans.
That'll help me achieve, turn can't to can.

The girl I'll be tomorrow's fine
Lord help her leave this guilt behind
A week from now help her find
All that joy she left behind

A month from now help me see
All the goals I then achieved.
In six help me see the change
And keep me from Satan's frame.

In a year oh let me move
My faith with mountains prove
Let me walk with my head high
And with joy, oh make me spry.

Let me not forget to rest
So I may do my very best.
Take the pain I feel today
And let it go so far away.

Five years from now Oh let me see
The changes you have done in me
Let me be a virgin in heart.
And your word I never part

I pray for now that man of mine
Who's heart forever you will bind
Give him joy as you give me
For through his life you will lead

I pray today for my legacy
All of those who'll come after me
Set your mark upon their brow
And through life, you'll show them how

Help them daily, hope will find
'Til all life's sorrows are left behind
I pray for every breath they'll breath
And your spirit they will believe.

Lord, I pray alas for me
For how I act and what believed
Keep me from all doubt and fear
And to you oh draw me near

Lord strike my life with your hand
As you shape me by your plan
Mold my heart into your ways
That I do not fret, nor be afraid.

Help my heart to ever be
Exactly what you wish for me
Oh help me to not forget
That you are not done with me yet


Not one of my best poems... rough around the edges. But I feel it needed to be written. Even if it's just a landmark going forward. This week passed 2 years of having graduated from high school... I've not touched my bucket list from that day. Too busy surviving the hurricane of unfortunate events. It's frustrating I'm looking at another milestone, and I'm even farther behind from where I want to be than I was at 18.8 graduating. It's infuriating. I'm not, nor never will be a breadwinner. I simply can't keep up.

I've had half a week with my little sister. Ran me raggid, I'm so tired, but we got stuff done. Not anything off MY list. But everything off her's.

Going to sign off now

Cowgirl VK Out

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

How To Approach a Roach (Poem)

Dear Reader...
For Grandpa...
My homework.


A child ran oh so quick
In his hand, he held a stick
His fear I say was beyond reproach
He wanted to know how to approach a roach.

"Should he?" he asked with voice so soft
"Grab a shoe and mount the loft?
Should with the anvil high ahead
Let it crash in his stead."

"Is the bug a fright?" he asked?
"Would a light do the task?
Or maybe with a fire bold
Allow the knight a story told?"

"Is this beast a fearsome prey?
A danger to us night and day?
Or is this bug a harmless one?
When everything is said and done?"

"Should I with flowers yet in hand.
Durrive for me a clever plan?
Should I invite him yet to tea?
Or should this bug, let him be?"

"Is the roach a fearsome pest?
Is this yet their very best?
Do they indeed invade the home?
Or would they rather let us alone?"

"For one, I spy with my lil' eye,
Are there yet more to raise the cry
To mount a war against our homes,
And eat our food, and gardens roam."

"Do they yet eat my little hands
Is my pain yet in their plans?
If you will but be my coach,
Advise me how to approach this roach."

"Approach a roach dear child of mine?
Is this idea what has come of thine?
How to broach this simple task?
I say, dear boy, you have but ask."

"A pest or treasure this you ask?
Is this their job, or given task?
Are they for good, or wish they ill?
Diseases, dirt, and filth dispel?"

"A roach indeed is thought a pest,
They invade the home and destroy the nest,
They chew the wood and other things
And are indeed most unclean."

"They carry germs that make us sick
And rid the place is no picnic
For if one, I see climb up the door
A million more hide beneath your floor.

"A Coleoptera this they are,
Latin child, I'll explain more
In our homes, they've always approached
This is the pest we call a roach.

"Yes, dear child, they do bite.
And will with surprising might.
They love your socks, and underwear,
And everything left here and there."

"The bits of crumbs left on the stairs,
And some half-chewed gummy bears,
A dish or two you forgot to wash,
And that soda you happened to slosh."

"You see there be a lot they eat,
Now dear child how to defeat
How do you approach a roach?
This will be how I coach."

"If inside do smack it dead
There's plenty more to take his stead
Don't give for him a single tear
For he won't invade this a'year."

"But if outside, let him alone
For this shall be their good home
The roach inside is but a pest,
But outside they are blessed."

"They help the leaves to decompose
And dead bodies they help dispose
The droppings left by little Spot,
And all things you have forgot."

"They clean the world, prevent fire
And this is why God inspired.
To create for us the little roach
With all the colors I've yet to broach."

"In Egypt, they were thought to be
Gods of birth and destiny
I tell you, child, this is untrue
But thought back then by quite a few."

"So dear child so dear to me
This roach is not your enemy
Do not run or be afraid.
Determine how to give your aid."

"If outside, let him alone.
But kill the beast if in your home
And now that I have been your coach
You know how to approach a roach."


Alright, there we go. Will probably need some editing later.

A few weeks ago, I hopped into the car and Grandpa said. "Your challenge for today, I want you to write a poem titled How to Approach a Roach... I did write something short, but I HATED it. This is better but still could use some work. The current plan is to take this, and its edits, illustratetrate it and turn it into a picture book.

I hope you enjoyed, any lines you can think of, or glaring mistakes, please point them out in the comments.

As always

Cowgirl Out

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